Hair Stylist
Hey--nice faux hawk. Let me guess, you want to be a hairdresser. Huh? No? Well, I still call them that. Well, hair care professional, whatever you like--it adds up to pretty much the same game plan.
You'll start off by going to one of those "hair, beauty and esthetics" school--kinda like Frenchy in Grease--who knows if you'll finish high school first? You'll ignore the fact that all the instructors display hairstyles at least 20 years out of date and the school's founder's look can be best described as "bowling alley chic". You'll be amazed at how difficult some of your fellow students seem to find the basics of the curriculum, and grow tired of constant noise of gum popping that surrounds you.
Eventually, you "graduate", only to discover that none of the truly trendy hair places in town consider your training of any worth. You do manage, however, to convince one salon to take you on to do basic "gofer" work--you'll be certain your feet actually wore a discernable path between the salon and the nearby coffee shop as you continually turn the tip jar proceeds into lattés for the rest of the staff.
The manager likes your attitude--you don't whine and complain like the rest of the employees do--and he agrees to take you on as an apprentice of sorts. Your pay is terrible, but you start to learn the basics of coloring and setting hair, and at night you pour over magazines and web sites to develop an instinct to be able to tell which hair style will work with different head shapes and facial features.
Next your mentor starts sending you to the weekend "institutes" to learn more about how to use hair products to best advantage. Of course, the training sessions are all sponsored by hair product companies, so you end up spouting the company's propaganda to all your clients, convinced that the particular brand of color or shampoo you are shilling is the only one that won't destroy their follicles or leave them looking a botched science experiment.
Fortunately, your high-paying clientele will be all too willing to go along with the snob appeal of your hair studio. Unfortunately, as you go through the same routine with each new product line's training sessions--you see your boss is fickle; he'll switch suppliers to whomever gives him the best kickbacks--you begin to realize that it's all really the same stuff with different packaging.
That all changes one day when you encounter "Silk Magic". It's a new hair straightening product that works like nothing you've ever seen. Somehow, without the aid of irons or heat of any kind, this simple spray liquid easily eliminates all curls and tangles from even the most unruly locks.
You go to the Silk Magic training sessions with a newfound enthusiasm for your work. You volunteer to man their product booth for free at various trade fairs, so great is your love for the stuff. Then, when you are asked to drop off unsold bottle back at the supply warehouse after everyone has gone, you happen across a folder on a desk labelled "Extremely Confidential", which of course is too tempting to resist.
You read the true secret of "Silk Magic"--the key ingredient is the urine of a rare mountain goat that resides in the most remote regions of the Himilayas. The secret file explains that despite the recent interest in the media regarding the nature of magic behind Silk Magic, the company fears the public would avoid a product made from goat piss.
You go home that night and lie awake, your mind considering this newfound information. You decide the company is taking the wrong approach. Then next day you jump on a train and head to the head office of Silk Magic, where you present yourself to the chairman's secretary and explain you're going to the media with the goat urine secret unless you're given an audience with the head of the corporation.
After a three hour wait you get your wish. At first the chairman is suspicious you are some sort of extortionist, but after a few moments your fervor for the product is clear, and he decides to listen to your ideas. You explain that your high-end clientele won't be put off by the fact that Silk Magic is made from goat urine; many of them know the drug they take to alleviate symptoms of menopause comes from the urine of pregnant horses, and others are all too eager to spend freely at spas and salons that cover them with mud, or apply leeches to their skin.
The chairman will give your ideas more consideration than one might expect since you are some unknown who blackmailed your way into his office; it doesn't hurt that he's been feeling the pressure of media speculation about the product, and also that he finds you somewhat attractive.
The next month a new campaign is launched that reveals the "ancient beauty secret" of Silk Magic, with flashy commercials which dissolve footage of simple peasants leading their goats past Tibetan temples into scenes of famous actresses receiving awards while cameras flash. The best ad features an ethereally beautiful british actress smiling as her voice more accustomed to pronouncing the words of Shakespeare purrs "what's a little goat pee between friends".
Sales go through the roof, and the chairman is awarded bonuses that more than double his normal salary. He doesn't forget you, and soon he's bought you a Manhattan apartment and made you the manager of an exclusive new Silk Magic salon that immediately has a three-month waiting list and becomes the talk of the Park Avenue set.
Actresses, models and other celebrities soon are courting your favor to win appointments. You begin receiving invitations and tickets to exclusive parties and openings. You hire only the best of the best--you can afford to pay well since you are free to charge almost whatever you wish and people will pay it.
One client who comes to you faithfully for hair straightening is the fifth wife of an infamous NBA "bad boy" who's known for his questionable behavior both on and off the basketball court. Your client tells you enough about her husband's private life to earn you hundreds of thousands of dollars from gossip magazines, but you're a paragon of discretion, so everyone knows their secrets are safe with you.
One day, the basketball player himself shows up unexpectedly. It's the middle of the playoffs and he's been coming under fire in the media for not being a team player. He decides a token gesture like dyeing his hair in the team colors is simpler than actually addressing the problem of his selfish playing style.
You know that his naturally curly african-american hair has been bleached and dyed a half-dozen times in the past six months, and a quick examination tells you that he's putting his follicles at risk if he subjects his hair to this drastic plan. He laughs off your concern, and explains that's why he's "come to the best". Still, as is your practice in such cases, you have him sign a waiver to indicate he understands the problems that can result in this abuse of his scalp.
The procedure goes fairly well, though you're still worried about the final result. He pays you double your normal fee and tosses you a pair of courtside tickets as well. That night you're front row centre to witness the disaster.
The game is nothing short of brutal--more of a war than a game--and the frenzied screaming of the fans almost frightens you. You sit with your latest boyfriend and watch in horror as your client from earlier that afternoon begins rubbing his head--his scalp irritated by the combination of harsh chemicals, bright lights and heavy perspiration. With every scratch a clump of hair falls out--soon the floor crew is having to sweep the court during every t.v. commercial time out.
At first he seems not to notice it, but then it becomes too obvious, and some of his teammates begin mentioning it at the bench. He starts missing shots, and eventually the coach pulls him out of the game for a few minutes to calm him down. While sitting on the bench, he finds a bandanna and wraps it around his head, only to have the refereeing crew order him to remove it--seems such head attire is contrary to the league's anti-gang rules.
You notice just before half-time there are more and more cameras focused on the rapidly-balding star, and just before the intermission one of the team's P.R. staff slips beside you and suggests you might want to leave--apparently your client has been muttering threats on the bench.
After heading to the bar to try to forget the fiasco, you eventually go home and flip on the t.v.--it's headlining all the news shows. Seems the basketball star had decided, back when he was hanging around with Louis Farrakhan and others of his radical black islam ilk, that the route of everything from slavery to segregation was zionism, and so had gotten his head tattoed with two circles--one containing a Star of David with a line through it, the other featuring a swastika.
Even his normal "bad boy" image can't justify this--his endorsement contracts all contained escape clauses for things just like this, and within hours all the companies that previously featured him in commercials are cutting all ties with his sinking career.
Meanwhile, you notice there are more than a dozen messages on your answering machine. The gist of the messages is that your expected lifespan is not one that most would envy. You debate calling the police, but your well-honed instinct for discretion is too strong, plus you figure after a night's sleep the anger will fade and the damage control will take over.
You are surprised, only a couple of hours later, when you wake to see a large angry shadow standing over your bed. You flip on the light to see the now completely bald basketball player glaring at you, a bandage covering the controversial skin art.
"Get up" he growls. He tells you to get dressed and waits in the next room. You go for your phone, but the cord has been cut and your cell is no where to be found. You realize your best bet is to play along, and soon you're getting into his Porsche which is double parked in front of your building.
The next hour is a rambling drive filled with rambling conversation--well, he'll do most of the talking. He talks of his bizarre childhood raised on the rough streets, avoiding a grandmother and her weird cult friends. He admits his fears and tells you of his secret dreams. You keep looking for a way to escape the car as you try to calm him down.
Then suddenly his weaving across the center line attracts the attention of a passing motorcycle cop who begins a pursuit. Instead of pulling over, the basketball player hits the gas and soon the Porsche is squealing on corners and swerving dangerously close to the guardrails overlooking steep drops. You scream and hang on for dear life, and then one corner comes too fast...
You awaken strapped to a bed with various tubes and wires attached to your broken body. You can't move much, nor can you talk, but your mind works fine. You develop communication using a blinking code, and eventually you're moved to a care facility where they try, on limited budget, to increase your almost nonexistent mobility.
You would get better care except the widow of the basketball player sues you for alienation of affection--claiming you were having an affair with her husband and that's why the two of you were out in his car at that hour, both of your blood samples showing evidence of alcohol consumption. Meanwhile, his mother sues you for negligence, claiming your incompetent dye job caused his final destruction. It will turn out, sadly, that your little "waiver" is completely worthless in a serious civil court action.
The final injury will not be physical pain, but having to endure the once a month visit from the local hairdressing school--the clients in the care facility get free haircuts from these amateur hacks, and since you're unable to voice your complaints, they always give the worst student to you.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
An embarassment of tickets...
Yes, I'm spoiled. We leave for London on Saturday morning, and the tour company has provided Blue Man Group, which I wasn't all that thrilled with but my son wishes he could see them, and Wicked, which we're thrilled about.
Today I was able to add good seats for Guys and Dolls (which will be interesting considering we just did the show ourselves) and Les Mis.
Then about a week after I get back my family and I are off to Vancouver to see Stomp, and then on the first weekend of May I'm taking a group of 40 to Vancouver to see a touring production of Chicago.
Still have no idea what show I'm doing next year, though--I wish people wouldn't ask me almost every day...
Today I was able to add good seats for Guys and Dolls (which will be interesting considering we just did the show ourselves) and Les Mis.
Then about a week after I get back my family and I are off to Vancouver to see Stomp, and then on the first weekend of May I'm taking a group of 40 to Vancouver to see a touring production of Chicago.
Still have no idea what show I'm doing next year, though--I wish people wouldn't ask me almost every day...
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future as a
Fashion Designer
Oh hi there--sorry I'm a little late; I was out on a date kind of late last night and well, this morning I just lost track of the time. Sorry, your name is... Celeste? That's a lovely name--Celeste. Have you ever been to that jazz club downtown, Celeste? Oh right, of course, you have to be old enough to get in. Well trust me, it's amazing. Really, when you're old enough, you should try it--of course, it helps when you're with someone special, I must admit.
So, enough about me, Celeste. What career strikes your fancy? Fashion Design? Hmm--that could be a bit challenging, but I can tell by your taste in clothes you're already on your way to making this dream come... Sorry--normally I don't let calls come through but this morning I told the secretary if one particular person called to ring me. You don't mind? Thanks. No, you can stay here; I'm sure this won't take a moment.
Hi--no, it's okay, I was just chatting with a student. Yeah, I had a wonderful time last night too... Pardon? Oh, that's okay, after all, this Friday was kind of a play it by ear night so we can reschedule--you free on Saturday? Oh? ...But I thought you said your divorce was almost final? Oh... that's great. No really, I understand giving it another shot and all. Yeah, of course we'll keep in touch. I'm... really happy for you. Bye.
What? Oh right. Fashion design. Well, first of all, you're going to have to try to get into some cutthroat design college where one bad project will bounce you out to make room for more Calvin Klein wannabes. You'll work your fingers to the bone trying to meet the insane deadlines for your first runway show, and in the end, even though you'll probably do okay, none of the other students will admit it, because you are just one more obstacle to their ultimate victory.
After college, if you survive, you'll try to catch on with some designer label as some sort of peon--you'll be lucky if you don't have to do anything more demeaning than pour coffee. You won't have a social life--you're straight, right? You will spend your day surrounded by gay males trying to win the same lottery you're after, anorexic models who can barely muster the energy to phone their coke dealers, and predatory bitter ex models who've managed to preserve enough brain cells to become your cruel masters in this abusive indentured servitude you've signed up for.
One day, in a rare fit of apparent kindness, one of the designers asks your opinion on something, and liking your answer offers you a chance to help create a few designs for the next New York show. You've already wasted five years of your life at that company, so you feel you've paid your dues. You put your heart and soul into those three dresses, and you are gratified when the designer gushes over them and tells you he'll be sending a limo to meet you at your apartment to take you to the show.
You'll be stressed, the day of the show, when the limo is half an hour late--you realize you were already cutting the time close. Then, mysteriously, the foreign driver answers some radio queries in a language you don't understand, and then suddenly turns up a street you don't recognize and the next thing you're stuck in road construction in Queens.
You miss the show, but you arrive in time to see a crowd surrounding your recent benefactor, raising their champagne glasses in his honor. You are furious to discover your dresses were a hit, and he took all the credit for them. Everyone looks at you like you're off your head when you yell that you designed them, and the next day you're greeted at your desk by a security officer who helps you box the contents of your filing cabinet and escorts you off the premises.
Despite your anger and disappointment, you realize you were a fool to trust the self-serving designer and realize your best hope lies in starting your own company. You cash in your retirement savings bonds, you hit up friends and relatives for cash, and hock your car for the little money you get back after the bank takes what's still owing.
You throw it into your own company, and although you start small, your intuition was right, and you make a minor splash in a couple of trade publications. A few investors decide to take a gamble on you, and that fall your first full show is a hit. You have been studying the business enough to realize you need to keep control of everything, from the suppliers of your raw cloth to the hiring of the Southeast Asian employees in the relatively enlightened factory you set up offshore.
Soon a few department stores are carrying your label, and even one national news anchor makes you her designer of choice. It will be a heady time--all 10 months or so.
Then, even more quickly than it came to you, it will all disappear. The government will be overthrown in the country where all of your garments are made, and all that bribe money you paid will have to be paid again to new corrupt officials. Then a typhoon will knock out the power supply to your factory and the resulting months of down time will put you in a tight financial bind--too much debt and no income can do that.
The last straw will come when in an effort to get things moving, you relocate some of your factory work to a recently-abandoned Nike plant in a more repressive country. Your onsite lackeys are desperate to get things going, so they aren't fussy who they hire, and soon there's a litany of horrible abuse stories of things that have happened to the workers at the hands of their managers.
Sadly, for you, the factory is in the same town as the orphanage where Angelina Jolie shows up to adopt her 37th child, and when she hears of the disgusting events transpiring at your factory, she and her army of adopted kids begin picketing your New York offices, eventually being joined by all manner of human rights groups and trade unions.
Your photo is on the front cover of time magazine with the caption "The New Face of Corporate Greed" and the IRS goes over the last five years of your tax returns with a fine tooth comb. You'll be lucky if bankruptcy is the worst thing that happens to you.
Oh hi there--sorry I'm a little late; I was out on a date kind of late last night and well, this morning I just lost track of the time. Sorry, your name is... Celeste? That's a lovely name--Celeste. Have you ever been to that jazz club downtown, Celeste? Oh right, of course, you have to be old enough to get in. Well trust me, it's amazing. Really, when you're old enough, you should try it--of course, it helps when you're with someone special, I must admit.
So, enough about me, Celeste. What career strikes your fancy? Fashion Design? Hmm--that could be a bit challenging, but I can tell by your taste in clothes you're already on your way to making this dream come... Sorry--normally I don't let calls come through but this morning I told the secretary if one particular person called to ring me. You don't mind? Thanks. No, you can stay here; I'm sure this won't take a moment.
Hi--no, it's okay, I was just chatting with a student. Yeah, I had a wonderful time last night too... Pardon? Oh, that's okay, after all, this Friday was kind of a play it by ear night so we can reschedule--you free on Saturday? Oh? ...But I thought you said your divorce was almost final? Oh... that's great. No really, I understand giving it another shot and all. Yeah, of course we'll keep in touch. I'm... really happy for you. Bye.
What? Oh right. Fashion design. Well, first of all, you're going to have to try to get into some cutthroat design college where one bad project will bounce you out to make room for more Calvin Klein wannabes. You'll work your fingers to the bone trying to meet the insane deadlines for your first runway show, and in the end, even though you'll probably do okay, none of the other students will admit it, because you are just one more obstacle to their ultimate victory.
After college, if you survive, you'll try to catch on with some designer label as some sort of peon--you'll be lucky if you don't have to do anything more demeaning than pour coffee. You won't have a social life--you're straight, right? You will spend your day surrounded by gay males trying to win the same lottery you're after, anorexic models who can barely muster the energy to phone their coke dealers, and predatory bitter ex models who've managed to preserve enough brain cells to become your cruel masters in this abusive indentured servitude you've signed up for.
One day, in a rare fit of apparent kindness, one of the designers asks your opinion on something, and liking your answer offers you a chance to help create a few designs for the next New York show. You've already wasted five years of your life at that company, so you feel you've paid your dues. You put your heart and soul into those three dresses, and you are gratified when the designer gushes over them and tells you he'll be sending a limo to meet you at your apartment to take you to the show.
You'll be stressed, the day of the show, when the limo is half an hour late--you realize you were already cutting the time close. Then, mysteriously, the foreign driver answers some radio queries in a language you don't understand, and then suddenly turns up a street you don't recognize and the next thing you're stuck in road construction in Queens.
You miss the show, but you arrive in time to see a crowd surrounding your recent benefactor, raising their champagne glasses in his honor. You are furious to discover your dresses were a hit, and he took all the credit for them. Everyone looks at you like you're off your head when you yell that you designed them, and the next day you're greeted at your desk by a security officer who helps you box the contents of your filing cabinet and escorts you off the premises.
Despite your anger and disappointment, you realize you were a fool to trust the self-serving designer and realize your best hope lies in starting your own company. You cash in your retirement savings bonds, you hit up friends and relatives for cash, and hock your car for the little money you get back after the bank takes what's still owing.
You throw it into your own company, and although you start small, your intuition was right, and you make a minor splash in a couple of trade publications. A few investors decide to take a gamble on you, and that fall your first full show is a hit. You have been studying the business enough to realize you need to keep control of everything, from the suppliers of your raw cloth to the hiring of the Southeast Asian employees in the relatively enlightened factory you set up offshore.
Soon a few department stores are carrying your label, and even one national news anchor makes you her designer of choice. It will be a heady time--all 10 months or so.
Then, even more quickly than it came to you, it will all disappear. The government will be overthrown in the country where all of your garments are made, and all that bribe money you paid will have to be paid again to new corrupt officials. Then a typhoon will knock out the power supply to your factory and the resulting months of down time will put you in a tight financial bind--too much debt and no income can do that.
The last straw will come when in an effort to get things moving, you relocate some of your factory work to a recently-abandoned Nike plant in a more repressive country. Your onsite lackeys are desperate to get things going, so they aren't fussy who they hire, and soon there's a litany of horrible abuse stories of things that have happened to the workers at the hands of their managers.
Sadly, for you, the factory is in the same town as the orphanage where Angelina Jolie shows up to adopt her 37th child, and when she hears of the disgusting events transpiring at your factory, she and her army of adopted kids begin picketing your New York offices, eventually being joined by all manner of human rights groups and trade unions.
Your photo is on the front cover of time magazine with the caption "The New Face of Corporate Greed" and the IRS goes over the last five years of your tax returns with a fine tooth comb. You'll be lucky if bankruptcy is the worst thing that happens to you.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Our Very Own "Overheard in..."
Many of you are familiar with "Overheard in New York". I know we've wasted a fair amount of time in the booth giggling over some of the entries. Many of them, honestly, are disturbing bordering on disgusting--others are just sort of... surreal.
Back in the fall, I think it was, R and I started paying attention to some things we were hearing in our little domain. We made a list, and added a few to it every so often. Here, for your viewing pleasure, I offer real things heard by myself or R during a typical weekday:
“You guys and all your drama. It should be a novel. I wouldn’t read it, though”
- M in Serious Coffee
“So it’s vogue, vogue, adopt an African child, vogue”
- morning dance class in theatre
“What’s that--a comic? I thought French people only read Tin Tin and Asterix and Obelix” - to an exchange student from France on way into theatre
I should join the lesbian separatists--I’ve got the boots for it.
“Cute in like an 85 year old way?”
“They found this salt patch that was from before the earth exploded and killed all the dinosaurs”
The amoebas have special powers--like special dinosaur powers”
Sitting in a sauna with seven layer dip--that’s like my dream.
--the booth
Student: Would you like a slinky?
Principal: Do you have several?
- hallway
Since you left the group, you’re the girl
I have two more lesbians that I never even had lined up before
“I remember what the poem’s about because I think of the circle of life that’s a song and it’s called song and …oh, I don’t want to talk anymore. You’re writing that aren’t you; I hate you.”
-R
Why won’t your mom let us give him aids?
-Alix
His present’s cool--I want polio.
I didn’t know you could get that from giving head--but it’s weird that your mom told you.
I have SDS--Severe Dumbass Syndrome
“I was in festival--I had a hiphop solo, and the audience intimidated me because they weren’t jews”
-H
ME: “That ‘no intoxicants’ rule means no smoking dope on the trip.”
Student: “That’s okay--I’m going cold turkey for two weeks before the trip and buying some new clothes.”
Me and T (discussing the London trip)
Back in the fall, I think it was, R and I started paying attention to some things we were hearing in our little domain. We made a list, and added a few to it every so often. Here, for your viewing pleasure, I offer real things heard by myself or R during a typical weekday:
“You guys and all your drama. It should be a novel. I wouldn’t read it, though”
- M in Serious Coffee
“So it’s vogue, vogue, adopt an African child, vogue”
- morning dance class in theatre
“What’s that--a comic? I thought French people only read Tin Tin and Asterix and Obelix” - to an exchange student from France on way into theatre
I should join the lesbian separatists--I’ve got the boots for it.
“Cute in like an 85 year old way?”
“They found this salt patch that was from before the earth exploded and killed all the dinosaurs”
The amoebas have special powers--like special dinosaur powers”
Sitting in a sauna with seven layer dip--that’s like my dream.
--the booth
Student: Would you like a slinky?
Principal: Do you have several?
- hallway
Since you left the group, you’re the girl
I have two more lesbians that I never even had lined up before
“I remember what the poem’s about because I think of the circle of life that’s a song and it’s called song and …oh, I don’t want to talk anymore. You’re writing that aren’t you; I hate you.”
-R
Why won’t your mom let us give him aids?
-Alix
His present’s cool--I want polio.
I didn’t know you could get that from giving head--but it’s weird that your mom told you.
I have SDS--Severe Dumbass Syndrome
“I was in festival--I had a hiphop solo, and the audience intimidated me because they weren’t jews”
-H
ME: “That ‘no intoxicants’ rule means no smoking dope on the trip.”
Student: “That’s okay--I’m going cold turkey for two weeks before the trip and buying some new clothes.”
Me and T (discussing the London trip)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
So very tired...
First of all, I edited the preceding CCC post a little bit. On reflection it seemed to pick on the asthma aspect a little too much.
The show opens a week Monday! This is crazy stressful time kids.
If you live in the vicinity and want to see some talented young folk, get your Guys and Dolls tickets soon.
Most who read this don't follow hockey even a little bit, but as a longsuffering Canucks fan, I am enjoying their current run. Looks like they'll be in the playoffs, and the first round will begin JUST AROUND THE TIME I'M OFF TO LONDON. *sigh*
I remember my parents were in England during one of the few decent playoff runs they had in the early 80s and my dad managed to see tiny bits of a couple games on random televisions there. I wonder if I had the games taped if I could avoid hearing anything at all about the results before I got home to watch them?
The show opens a week Monday! This is crazy stressful time kids.
If you live in the vicinity and want to see some talented young folk, get your Guys and Dolls tickets soon.
Most who read this don't follow hockey even a little bit, but as a longsuffering Canucks fan, I am enjoying their current run. Looks like they'll be in the playoffs, and the first round will begin JUST AROUND THE TIME I'M OFF TO LONDON. *sigh*
I remember my parents were in England during one of the few decent playoff runs they had in the early 80s and my dad managed to see tiny bits of a couple games on random televisions there. I wonder if I had the games taped if I could avoid hearing anything at all about the results before I got home to watch them?
Monday, February 19, 2007
The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future in
Gangsta Rap
Oh hello--I didn't hear you knocking there. It's okay--my appointment cancelled so I've got a few minutes. Just slide that briefcase under the chair and sit down. What'll it be--accountancy? insurance? What's that? You want to be a gangsta rap star? Are you sure?
Hmm--well, first of all you're white, but that didn't stop Eminem, so there's hope. You'll need to figure out a way to build some street cred, though. The sooner you get out of your upscale neighborhood and into a rat-infested apartment in the projects of some scary urban war zone the better. If you can't hear gunshots before you go to sleep at night, you're in the wrong zip code.
You'll also need... uhm--are you okay? No, I don't mind--just go ahead and use the inhaler.
You okay now? No, I don't know how many rappers are asthmatic--I'm sure there's no reason asthma has to keep you from your dream--I'm pretty sure "Puff Daddy" had the same problem. Hey--maybe you could incorporate the shape of the puffer into the gang signs you flash on your first album cover. You and your homies already have a finger sign? I see--very nice "Chess Club represent" indeed. You might want to be careful where you flash that--I hear the Latin Society owns these hallways.
You'll need to change your whole look as well. No, I'm not sure that the "Perfect Attendance" medal is the sort of bling that will work for this. You'll also need to maybe bulk up a little--I'm not sure your arms have enough room for the sort of tattoos you'll need to... oh? Well, I guess if you faint at the sight of needles you can skip the tattoos. No piercings, then, I suppose... No, those henna tattoos probably won't go over well at the freestyle battles in the clubs--but still, you'll need to build up some muscle. Exercise makes you break out in heat rash? That's too bad.
Oh, and those glasses--contacts will help make you look a little more... oh, that's too bad. Yeah, they are pretty thick--you'll have to spread the rumor your eyes got damaged once when you were taken down by the "po-po". You don't? Look it up--my son's monthly visit keep me up a little on gangsta talk.
Ultimately, you'll need a rap sheet. You need to prove how badass you are. What's that? No, I didn't know you got into trouble on the bus during that honor society field trip. Hmm--no, I don't think knocking off Nathan Meyer's yamulke counts as "busting a cap".
You should arrange to get yourself arrested for something--nothing major, mind you. Maybe you could just "happen" to be smoking a joint when the traffic cop is doing the tickets at the meters downtown. Likely it would be a misdemeanor, but you'd still be able do the "can't travel out of the country easily due to your criminal record thing". Huh? Oh, right--smoking won't work for you.
Look kid--I'll level with you. The prognosis isn't good. You want to take a shot? Go buy some baggy oversized clothes, fake jewel-encrusted shades, some gold chains with car hood ornaments, at least one fake gold tooth, a couple of scary bodyguards and a public relations agent.
Oh, and pick up a good profanity rhyming dictionary. It will come in handy, I'm sure.
Oh hello--I didn't hear you knocking there. It's okay--my appointment cancelled so I've got a few minutes. Just slide that briefcase under the chair and sit down. What'll it be--accountancy? insurance? What's that? You want to be a gangsta rap star? Are you sure?
Hmm--well, first of all you're white, but that didn't stop Eminem, so there's hope. You'll need to figure out a way to build some street cred, though. The sooner you get out of your upscale neighborhood and into a rat-infested apartment in the projects of some scary urban war zone the better. If you can't hear gunshots before you go to sleep at night, you're in the wrong zip code.
You'll also need... uhm--are you okay? No, I don't mind--just go ahead and use the inhaler.
You okay now? No, I don't know how many rappers are asthmatic--I'm sure there's no reason asthma has to keep you from your dream--I'm pretty sure "Puff Daddy" had the same problem. Hey--maybe you could incorporate the shape of the puffer into the gang signs you flash on your first album cover. You and your homies already have a finger sign? I see--very nice "Chess Club represent" indeed. You might want to be careful where you flash that--I hear the Latin Society owns these hallways.
You'll need to change your whole look as well. No, I'm not sure that the "Perfect Attendance" medal is the sort of bling that will work for this. You'll also need to maybe bulk up a little--I'm not sure your arms have enough room for the sort of tattoos you'll need to... oh? Well, I guess if you faint at the sight of needles you can skip the tattoos. No piercings, then, I suppose... No, those henna tattoos probably won't go over well at the freestyle battles in the clubs--but still, you'll need to build up some muscle. Exercise makes you break out in heat rash? That's too bad.
Oh, and those glasses--contacts will help make you look a little more... oh, that's too bad. Yeah, they are pretty thick--you'll have to spread the rumor your eyes got damaged once when you were taken down by the "po-po". You don't? Look it up--my son's monthly visit keep me up a little on gangsta talk.
Ultimately, you'll need a rap sheet. You need to prove how badass you are. What's that? No, I didn't know you got into trouble on the bus during that honor society field trip. Hmm--no, I don't think knocking off Nathan Meyer's yamulke counts as "busting a cap".
You should arrange to get yourself arrested for something--nothing major, mind you. Maybe you could just "happen" to be smoking a joint when the traffic cop is doing the tickets at the meters downtown. Likely it would be a misdemeanor, but you'd still be able do the "can't travel out of the country easily due to your criminal record thing". Huh? Oh, right--smoking won't work for you.
Look kid--I'll level with you. The prognosis isn't good. You want to take a shot? Go buy some baggy oversized clothes, fake jewel-encrusted shades, some gold chains with car hood ornaments, at least one fake gold tooth, a couple of scary bodyguards and a public relations agent.
Oh, and pick up a good profanity rhyming dictionary. It will come in handy, I'm sure.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Poetry by Dythandra
Tasting the Oxymoron
Seems a bit strange, the new "requirement"
For all senior students:
25 hours of "Volunteer Work".
We have an assembly, Nuremberg light--
All the overinflated are there
To guide us on our way.
Even the mayor is in on the act
Seems everyone wants us to know
Just how much our "volunteering"
Will be appreciated.
I snicker with the rest,
When, three speakers in,
They introduce the rep. from the Boy Scouts.
Short pants should have an expiration date.
After the agitprop, we mill about
Wandering from table to table
Seeking our respective niches.
I go outside--gymnasiums have always made me nauseous.
My hope they'd ignore me, sadly, is dashed.
Two weeks later, I'm called to the counselor.
"We need to find you a volunteer placement, dearie"
I shudder.
She pushes some brochures in front of me.
I shake my head, but she insists.
"It's required. Everyone has to do it."
There is no compromise; her eyes are like steel.
Fine, I think to myself.
They can't say they didn't have a chance to avoid this.
My volunteer placements are shortlived:
Seems the "reading to the seniors" program wasn't thrilled with me
(I didn't see any "no erotica" sign anywhere in that building)
Then there was the preschool.
I simply took a picture of each child standing beside me,
Then sent the lovely photos home.
Apparently enrollment dropped significantly the next day.
I knew my stint as a "candy striper" would be doomed from the start.
Apparently they didn't believe me
When I told them my assignment card
Spelled it with two "p's".
Finally they pulled me in the office and admitted defeat.
Still, against all hopes, the poor wretch just has to ask:
"Isn't there anything on the volunteer board you'd like to do?"
I smirked, then glanced at the array of cards.
Suddenly, my eyes lit up, and I snatched a card from the wall.
"This one." She glances at it, and starts to say something.
Then, thinking better of it, she hands it back along with a printout--
Directions to my last chance.
My thrill is short-lived, though.
Seems my new "employers" are selfish--
They won't let me take anything home.
Damned blood bank bastards.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
happy valentine's day
The "choo-choo-choose you" valentine episode of the Simpsons was on tonight. Classic.
Some random thoughts/ideas/questions:
1. Tomorrow is the 17th valentine's day my wife and I will share. Our first was not too long after we were engaged, at a restaurant called "The Classical Pig" that used to be where the health food store (next to Starbucks) near my school is located. It was one of the only non-smoking restaurants in town at the time, and when it closed, I spent about a year trying to replicate the amazing dill cream salad dressing they had.
2. I make stupid mistakes when I'm overtired--which is always these days. Already I've screwed up by twice printing the wrong colours for the wrong days' tickets--fortunately each time it was caught before more than a few were sold. Today it was yet another, worse, situation--we have these wood window covers in the theatre (it wasn't built to be a full-time theatre, but we made it one) and we take them down and paint promo stuff about our show on them each year. This year we didn't properly mark them when we took them down and so the people who painted them didn't get them the right way up, or in the right order, so they have to be redone. I'm sooo not going to be popular with those folks tomorrow.
3. Ella--if you're reading this--how many feet of snow where you are? I've seen some crazy pictures from upstate NY the last few days.
4. This morning, far too early for such things, I had the truly lovely experience of having a small camera shoved up through my nostril and to the back of my throat. Bleah. One of the specialist's suggestions was i should get one of those microphones some teachers with voice troubles use to speak. Yeah right. Why don't i just paint "loser" on my forehead as well. Yes, I know trying to get the attention/focus of 60 teenagers (when about 14 of them have musical instruments) is tricky, but there's a certain stigma about those mics...
5. I heard someone singing the "Sometimes people make a war" yesterday in the booth. Honest.
6. I got tickets to Jesse Cook for my better half for Valentine's day. If you don't know who he is, head to google. He's touring in Florida right now, so these tickets aren't going to be used 'til May.
7. Now that damn "Sometimes people make a war" thing is stuck in my head. I need to go listen to Backstreet Boys or something.
8. I kind of want chocolate tomorrow. Here's hoping...
Some random thoughts/ideas/questions:
1. Tomorrow is the 17th valentine's day my wife and I will share. Our first was not too long after we were engaged, at a restaurant called "The Classical Pig" that used to be where the health food store (next to Starbucks) near my school is located. It was one of the only non-smoking restaurants in town at the time, and when it closed, I spent about a year trying to replicate the amazing dill cream salad dressing they had.
2. I make stupid mistakes when I'm overtired--which is always these days. Already I've screwed up by twice printing the wrong colours for the wrong days' tickets--fortunately each time it was caught before more than a few were sold. Today it was yet another, worse, situation--we have these wood window covers in the theatre (it wasn't built to be a full-time theatre, but we made it one) and we take them down and paint promo stuff about our show on them each year. This year we didn't properly mark them when we took them down and so the people who painted them didn't get them the right way up, or in the right order, so they have to be redone. I'm sooo not going to be popular with those folks tomorrow.
3. Ella--if you're reading this--how many feet of snow where you are? I've seen some crazy pictures from upstate NY the last few days.
4. This morning, far too early for such things, I had the truly lovely experience of having a small camera shoved up through my nostril and to the back of my throat. Bleah. One of the specialist's suggestions was i should get one of those microphones some teachers with voice troubles use to speak. Yeah right. Why don't i just paint "loser" on my forehead as well. Yes, I know trying to get the attention/focus of 60 teenagers (when about 14 of them have musical instruments) is tricky, but there's a certain stigma about those mics...
5. I heard someone singing the "Sometimes people make a war" yesterday in the booth. Honest.
6. I got tickets to Jesse Cook for my better half for Valentine's day. If you don't know who he is, head to google. He's touring in Florida right now, so these tickets aren't going to be used 'til May.
7. Now that damn "Sometimes people make a war" thing is stuck in my head. I need to go listen to Backstreet Boys or something.
8. I kind of want chocolate tomorrow. Here's hoping...
Monday, February 12, 2007
Bwahaha...
You ever read those instructions on imported goods, particularly electronics, which are clearly written by someone who grasps English like I grasp French?
What if there was a musical group and they were Hungarian and they wanted to crossover into English and well... This isn't a William Hung thing. These folks are serious.
So very very sad, let slightly hilarious:
What if there was a musical group and they were Hungarian and they wanted to crossover into English and well... This isn't a William Hung thing. These folks are serious.
So very very sad, let slightly hilarious:
Saturday, February 03, 2007
The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future as a
Dog Walker
Hi kid--no, you can't bring the pooch in here--it's not one of those helper dogs, is it? No? Then out it stays. Those dogs are amazing. I saw one on TV once that could start a car and clean the windshield before... uhm, what are you wanting to know about? Dog walker? That might be a good after school thing, but as a career? You researched it on the internet, huh? 50 grand a year? Hmm--you'll need the right set of circumstances, but I guess it might be possible.
You'll need to get connected to the right neighborhood. Judging from your school info on my computer here, you don't live in the most upwardly mobile part of town, so you need to find other ways to make friends in that community.
Your best bet will be the most pretentious businesses you can find--probably the trendy coffee place in the "shopping promenade"--the truly pretentious don't shop in mere "malls" any more--that also has the upscale pet salon. You'll soon come to recognize the regulars who drop their dogs off for a weekly massage, shampoo and manicure, and while they're drinking their double decaf soy chai lattes you'll chat about the difficulty of finding the right person to take their beloved shitzu for its daily constitutional.
You'll feign surprise when the first one wishes out loud that someone like you could do it, and soon that will lead to your mentioning that you don't start at the coffee shop until the afternoon. Before long, you've got three or four clients paying you more to shlep their puppies around than a typical daycare provider gets for watching a dozen human children.
Once you're established, you'll take advantage of the brownie points you earned by staying late to do those little "extras" at the coffee shop--you can figure that one out for yourself--and they'll be only too happy to let you put a little stand on the counter with business cards for your dog-walking service, at least until the manager figures out you aren't coming back to provide any more "favors" and chucks your display in the garbage.
Your business grows--you have the right combination of perky, wholesome and respectful to quickly win over the rich dog owners who lavish you with tips and over the top christmas and birthday gifts, attempting to outdo each other--and soon you're hiring some of your old school friends to help you out. You have your business logo printed on a bunch of those orange safety vests, and you're taking night courses on canine psychology to prevent any more accidents like the tragic decapitation of a pekingese in the jaws of a boxer with anger-management issues.
Fortunately for you, the Pekingese was owned by a woman who was out of the country and whose stock broker husband was only too glad to help make up an excuse for the untimely demise of the creature he referred to only as that "squash-faced spoiled baby surrogate".
Still, it was a close call--if word of such a tragedy got out, you could lose your goldmine in an instant.
You'll start dividing the dogs by breed and temperament, and assigning them to your employees who specialize in working with each group. The business keeps expanding, and soon you're able to lease a small office in the same "promenade" where you used to serve espresso.
The tragic end will be totally unexpected. First, there is a freak March snowstorm that blankets the city. Dog owners still insist on the daily walk; your reliability is key to your success. Unfortunately, your two assistants scheduled to work that day take one look at the window and both phone in sick. You struggle to your office, and wait patiently as one four-wheel drive Lexus or BMW SUV after another drops off the shivering dogs.
The last dog is dropped off by someone you don't recognize--it's the lawyer for a very wealthy spinster who died a week earlier. He explains that he will still need your services for a while longer; there is some question about where the dog will be living now that its loving owner has passed on, bequeathing her entire estate to the dog, much to the chagrin of her outraged relatives.
After the lawyer leaves, you head out in the snow. Your normal route is treacherous, and you aren't paying much attention to anything other than keeping the larger-than-usual pack together and out of the path of oncoming traffic.
Eventually, you wind up at a deserted park, and pause for a moment to answer a call on your cell. It's from someone who claims to be the caretaker of the newly-wealthy pomeranian who is at that moment humping your leg, and when you tell him your location, you're surprised to see a black SUV round the corner and speed toward you.
The gunman can't take any chances--he shoots all of the dogs, and you as the only witness. Eventually, the investigation team will use the cell phone call and tire impressions to lead them to one of the angry nephews who couldn't bear to let a spoiled pooch cheat him of his inheritance.
His conviction won't do you any good, though. Still, when your employees take over the business, they'll add your gravesite to their regular waking route. If you treated them well, maybe they'll even scoop up the little remembrances the dogs leave by your headstone.
Hi kid--no, you can't bring the pooch in here--it's not one of those helper dogs, is it? No? Then out it stays. Those dogs are amazing. I saw one on TV once that could start a car and clean the windshield before... uhm, what are you wanting to know about? Dog walker? That might be a good after school thing, but as a career? You researched it on the internet, huh? 50 grand a year? Hmm--you'll need the right set of circumstances, but I guess it might be possible.
You'll need to get connected to the right neighborhood. Judging from your school info on my computer here, you don't live in the most upwardly mobile part of town, so you need to find other ways to make friends in that community.
Your best bet will be the most pretentious businesses you can find--probably the trendy coffee place in the "shopping promenade"--the truly pretentious don't shop in mere "malls" any more--that also has the upscale pet salon. You'll soon come to recognize the regulars who drop their dogs off for a weekly massage, shampoo and manicure, and while they're drinking their double decaf soy chai lattes you'll chat about the difficulty of finding the right person to take their beloved shitzu for its daily constitutional.
You'll feign surprise when the first one wishes out loud that someone like you could do it, and soon that will lead to your mentioning that you don't start at the coffee shop until the afternoon. Before long, you've got three or four clients paying you more to shlep their puppies around than a typical daycare provider gets for watching a dozen human children.
Once you're established, you'll take advantage of the brownie points you earned by staying late to do those little "extras" at the coffee shop--you can figure that one out for yourself--and they'll be only too happy to let you put a little stand on the counter with business cards for your dog-walking service, at least until the manager figures out you aren't coming back to provide any more "favors" and chucks your display in the garbage.
Your business grows--you have the right combination of perky, wholesome and respectful to quickly win over the rich dog owners who lavish you with tips and over the top christmas and birthday gifts, attempting to outdo each other--and soon you're hiring some of your old school friends to help you out. You have your business logo printed on a bunch of those orange safety vests, and you're taking night courses on canine psychology to prevent any more accidents like the tragic decapitation of a pekingese in the jaws of a boxer with anger-management issues.
Fortunately for you, the Pekingese was owned by a woman who was out of the country and whose stock broker husband was only too glad to help make up an excuse for the untimely demise of the creature he referred to only as that "squash-faced spoiled baby surrogate".
Still, it was a close call--if word of such a tragedy got out, you could lose your goldmine in an instant.
You'll start dividing the dogs by breed and temperament, and assigning them to your employees who specialize in working with each group. The business keeps expanding, and soon you're able to lease a small office in the same "promenade" where you used to serve espresso.
The tragic end will be totally unexpected. First, there is a freak March snowstorm that blankets the city. Dog owners still insist on the daily walk; your reliability is key to your success. Unfortunately, your two assistants scheduled to work that day take one look at the window and both phone in sick. You struggle to your office, and wait patiently as one four-wheel drive Lexus or BMW SUV after another drops off the shivering dogs.
The last dog is dropped off by someone you don't recognize--it's the lawyer for a very wealthy spinster who died a week earlier. He explains that he will still need your services for a while longer; there is some question about where the dog will be living now that its loving owner has passed on, bequeathing her entire estate to the dog, much to the chagrin of her outraged relatives.
After the lawyer leaves, you head out in the snow. Your normal route is treacherous, and you aren't paying much attention to anything other than keeping the larger-than-usual pack together and out of the path of oncoming traffic.
Eventually, you wind up at a deserted park, and pause for a moment to answer a call on your cell. It's from someone who claims to be the caretaker of the newly-wealthy pomeranian who is at that moment humping your leg, and when you tell him your location, you're surprised to see a black SUV round the corner and speed toward you.
The gunman can't take any chances--he shoots all of the dogs, and you as the only witness. Eventually, the investigation team will use the cell phone call and tire impressions to lead them to one of the angry nephews who couldn't bear to let a spoiled pooch cheat him of his inheritance.
His conviction won't do you any good, though. Still, when your employees take over the business, they'll add your gravesite to their regular waking route. If you treated them well, maybe they'll even scoop up the little remembrances the dogs leave by your headstone.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future as a
Movie Makeup Artist
Hmm--somebody punch you in the eyes? Oh really? I guess I just don't get "heroin chic". But isn't that passé now? What do I know, though? You do? For a living? Hmm--okay, it might go something like this:
You'll first go to some esthetician school or something, where you learn to wax, buff and pluck. After you pay your dues trying to find the outer beauty on some truly scary looking clients, you are taken under the wing of the head makeup artist. She teaches you the same sort of skills you see used to work miracles in those makeover t.v. shows. Then she turns you loose on the weekend mall demo crowd, and soon you'll prove you can not only work the makeup magic, but you can charm the customers, which helps book appointments and sell product.
Still, your dream is to do makeup for the movies, right? You'll save up your money, while living in your parents' house, until you head to L.A. to the "Hollywood Makeup Artists" school or some such sketchy operation--it will be overpriced and overhyped, and after you finish your course, their "inside track" to the movie business is handing you a sheet with out of date studio contact numbers on it.
When you take a job at an upscale day camp in Laguna Beach painting faces for pampered rich kids you get your first break. The owner of an exclusive salon chats with you after his daughter gushes about how great you are, and next thing you know you're hired to work at beauty spa.
There you begin to finally make the connections you need, and although most of the in-town shoots are filled with union makeup artists, you hear about a movie that's filming on-location in the Andes, and you sign on for your first screen makeup stint.
You are the junior makeup person on the crew, so you get to do the extras and the minor characters, but you also get to help the special effects team create the "cannibal zombie Inca warriors" and everyone is quite pleased with your work.
You head home with your bank account fatter, and more imporantly, with your foot in the door of the movie industry. Soon you're one of the regulars, and everyone admires your artistry, but you have one problem that gets you several warnings from crew chiefs--you tend to get chatty with those whose egos feel you beneath their conversational efforts.
This rubs you the wrong way, and soon you're one of the most relied-upon moles feeding information to gossip columns and blogs--all the while making sure no one would ever suspect you.
It all comes to a head when you're called in to work exclusively with the geriatric star of a much-anticipated remake of a classic. The actor first repulsively hits on you, which you deflect as gracefully as possible, then complains when you can't make him look 35 years old. He's gone almost a decade since last performing on camera and he attributes the deterioration he sees when watching some of the first day's filming to your lack of makeup skills.
The movie staff acquiesce to his demands and give him another makeup artist, who quits when he targets her with even more disgusting overtures than you faced. You are forced to keep working with him, while he continues to make your life miserable.
The final straw is when you are doing a touch-up on set while he's giving a quick soundbyte to some tabloid infotainment show. As you lean in to try to blot out a few more wrinkles, he laments to the interviewer the "sad state of hollywood makeup artists compared to the good old days". You bite your tongue when the interviewer sticks the microphone in your face for a response--you know your place in the food chain.
Still, you are observant, and when you are called to his trailer for yet another touch-up later that day, you notice a bag of adult diapers in the corner. He may have noticed you look at them; he seems in a rush to get you out of that room and out of the trailer a little too quickly.
You wait a suitable 24 hours to call your friend who pays you two thousand for the exlusive. The actor and his agent deny it, of course, but your camera phone's evidence allows the reporter to avoid a lawsuit and the quick backing off by the studio and the actor's agent just proves to all the truth of your story.
Somehow, despite the reporter's promise to protect your identity, your name gets out as the alleged "leak about the leaker", as some gossip-monger phrases it. You are finished in the movie makeup business, but you have a variety of other opportunities sent your way, and you accept the offer to make you a partner in an upscale salon in Beverly Hills.
You head back to the studio to pick up your effects, and are surprised when the guard who escorts you to the back lot from the gate suddenly complains of stomach problems and leaves you unsupervised to head back to the makeup area.
You never notice the Lexus until it's too late. The actor, of course, is shocked and horrified by the accident, and after sending a lovely bouquet to your funeral, has his agent explain to the media he will be surrendering his driver's license, since it's clear after this unfortunate "accident" he's simply too old to drive.
You will be an answer in trivia games for years to come.
Hmm--somebody punch you in the eyes? Oh really? I guess I just don't get "heroin chic". But isn't that passé now? What do I know, though? You do? For a living? Hmm--okay, it might go something like this:
You'll first go to some esthetician school or something, where you learn to wax, buff and pluck. After you pay your dues trying to find the outer beauty on some truly scary looking clients, you are taken under the wing of the head makeup artist. She teaches you the same sort of skills you see used to work miracles in those makeover t.v. shows. Then she turns you loose on the weekend mall demo crowd, and soon you'll prove you can not only work the makeup magic, but you can charm the customers, which helps book appointments and sell product.
Still, your dream is to do makeup for the movies, right? You'll save up your money, while living in your parents' house, until you head to L.A. to the "Hollywood Makeup Artists" school or some such sketchy operation--it will be overpriced and overhyped, and after you finish your course, their "inside track" to the movie business is handing you a sheet with out of date studio contact numbers on it.
When you take a job at an upscale day camp in Laguna Beach painting faces for pampered rich kids you get your first break. The owner of an exclusive salon chats with you after his daughter gushes about how great you are, and next thing you know you're hired to work at beauty spa.
There you begin to finally make the connections you need, and although most of the in-town shoots are filled with union makeup artists, you hear about a movie that's filming on-location in the Andes, and you sign on for your first screen makeup stint.
You are the junior makeup person on the crew, so you get to do the extras and the minor characters, but you also get to help the special effects team create the "cannibal zombie Inca warriors" and everyone is quite pleased with your work.
You head home with your bank account fatter, and more imporantly, with your foot in the door of the movie industry. Soon you're one of the regulars, and everyone admires your artistry, but you have one problem that gets you several warnings from crew chiefs--you tend to get chatty with those whose egos feel you beneath their conversational efforts.
This rubs you the wrong way, and soon you're one of the most relied-upon moles feeding information to gossip columns and blogs--all the while making sure no one would ever suspect you.
It all comes to a head when you're called in to work exclusively with the geriatric star of a much-anticipated remake of a classic. The actor first repulsively hits on you, which you deflect as gracefully as possible, then complains when you can't make him look 35 years old. He's gone almost a decade since last performing on camera and he attributes the deterioration he sees when watching some of the first day's filming to your lack of makeup skills.
The movie staff acquiesce to his demands and give him another makeup artist, who quits when he targets her with even more disgusting overtures than you faced. You are forced to keep working with him, while he continues to make your life miserable.
The final straw is when you are doing a touch-up on set while he's giving a quick soundbyte to some tabloid infotainment show. As you lean in to try to blot out a few more wrinkles, he laments to the interviewer the "sad state of hollywood makeup artists compared to the good old days". You bite your tongue when the interviewer sticks the microphone in your face for a response--you know your place in the food chain.
Still, you are observant, and when you are called to his trailer for yet another touch-up later that day, you notice a bag of adult diapers in the corner. He may have noticed you look at them; he seems in a rush to get you out of that room and out of the trailer a little too quickly.
You wait a suitable 24 hours to call your friend who pays you two thousand for the exlusive. The actor and his agent deny it, of course, but your camera phone's evidence allows the reporter to avoid a lawsuit and the quick backing off by the studio and the actor's agent just proves to all the truth of your story.
Somehow, despite the reporter's promise to protect your identity, your name gets out as the alleged "leak about the leaker", as some gossip-monger phrases it. You are finished in the movie makeup business, but you have a variety of other opportunities sent your way, and you accept the offer to make you a partner in an upscale salon in Beverly Hills.
You head back to the studio to pick up your effects, and are surprised when the guard who escorts you to the back lot from the gate suddenly complains of stomach problems and leaves you unsupervised to head back to the makeup area.
You never notice the Lexus until it's too late. The actor, of course, is shocked and horrified by the accident, and after sending a lovely bouquet to your funeral, has his agent explain to the media he will be surrendering his driver's license, since it's clear after this unfortunate "accident" he's simply too old to drive.
You will be an answer in trivia games for years to come.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future as a
Plumber
So--sorry to keep you waiting. You seem a little impatient--but maybe that's good; I see on your appointment slip you want to be a plumber--so for you, time will be money. At least for a while...
You'll go to trade school, probably after you find some plumbing contractor to take you on as an apprentice, in return for your agreeing to stick around for a while and work cheap for them. You'll think it's a great deal at first, but when you meet your fellow initiates in the trade, they'll roll their eyes when they hear the deal you agreed to. All this does is make you resentful for the three years you reluctantly give to your "benefactor" once you are a full-fledged plumber.
You'll quit there after you've done the minimum to fulfill your agreement, and you'll go to work for a big plumbing company. At first it will seem great--you'll almost double your hourly wage, but after a while you'll see all the private contractors who work for themselves and can write off everything from their lunches to their computers at tax time.
You save up what you can, get a loan, and soon you've got your own company van with your slogan and phone number on the side. Before long you pay off the loan and join the construction boom, installing the plumbing in the fancy houses in the new subdivisions where everything looks pricey but is shoddily built.
That aspect of the gig grows tiresome, though, when you put your fifth lien on another bankrupt project in a year, and you realize you'll again be lucky to get 20 cents on your dollar when the proceeds from another court-ordered sale is finalized. It doesn't help that you're newly married and your bride has a penchant for designer labels.
You decide the old fashioned business plan is best--you'll become the emergency plumber whose ad jumps out of the yellow pages because you start your name with more "A's" in front of it than both "Aardvark Plumbing" and "Triple A Plumbers". You know people will be desperate when they call your "24-hour hotline" and hear the recording say that by punching the number to speak to you they agree to the $10 surcharge on your already-exhorbitant prices for the after-hours callout.
Your wife grows tired of being woken your beeper, even though it's providing a nice upscale lifestyle for your family, eventually you find yourself sleeping most nights in the downstairs guest room. There will be other problems, as well--you lose your eyebrows and are nearly killed when repairing a crawl-space pipe on one of the shoddy projects you helped build--seems the gasfitter got careless when he knew he probably wasn't getting paid for that job, and this leads to a small explosion when you light a match after your flashlight burns out.
Still, it's not gas or the scalding from a leaky steam pipe that will finish you in the end--it will be a little less accidental than that.
You see, for many criminals, the toilet (or maybe sometimes the sink garbage disposal) is the last hope when the cops are pounding on the door with a search warrant. Whether it's the drug dealer's kilo, the pervert's hard drive, or the serial killer's collection of spleens, much of what they try to flush will cause them problems they can't easily fix without outside plumbing expertise.
It's only a matter of time until one of them figures you're not to be trusted with their secret, and you have a little accident--lead pipes may not carry water any more, but they still pack a punch.
Have fun--oh, and do the world a favor--coveralls, not lowriders, okay?
So--sorry to keep you waiting. You seem a little impatient--but maybe that's good; I see on your appointment slip you want to be a plumber--so for you, time will be money. At least for a while...
You'll go to trade school, probably after you find some plumbing contractor to take you on as an apprentice, in return for your agreeing to stick around for a while and work cheap for them. You'll think it's a great deal at first, but when you meet your fellow initiates in the trade, they'll roll their eyes when they hear the deal you agreed to. All this does is make you resentful for the three years you reluctantly give to your "benefactor" once you are a full-fledged plumber.
You'll quit there after you've done the minimum to fulfill your agreement, and you'll go to work for a big plumbing company. At first it will seem great--you'll almost double your hourly wage, but after a while you'll see all the private contractors who work for themselves and can write off everything from their lunches to their computers at tax time.
You save up what you can, get a loan, and soon you've got your own company van with your slogan and phone number on the side. Before long you pay off the loan and join the construction boom, installing the plumbing in the fancy houses in the new subdivisions where everything looks pricey but is shoddily built.
That aspect of the gig grows tiresome, though, when you put your fifth lien on another bankrupt project in a year, and you realize you'll again be lucky to get 20 cents on your dollar when the proceeds from another court-ordered sale is finalized. It doesn't help that you're newly married and your bride has a penchant for designer labels.
You decide the old fashioned business plan is best--you'll become the emergency plumber whose ad jumps out of the yellow pages because you start your name with more "A's" in front of it than both "Aardvark Plumbing" and "Triple A Plumbers". You know people will be desperate when they call your "24-hour hotline" and hear the recording say that by punching the number to speak to you they agree to the $10 surcharge on your already-exhorbitant prices for the after-hours callout.
Your wife grows tired of being woken your beeper, even though it's providing a nice upscale lifestyle for your family, eventually you find yourself sleeping most nights in the downstairs guest room. There will be other problems, as well--you lose your eyebrows and are nearly killed when repairing a crawl-space pipe on one of the shoddy projects you helped build--seems the gasfitter got careless when he knew he probably wasn't getting paid for that job, and this leads to a small explosion when you light a match after your flashlight burns out.
Still, it's not gas or the scalding from a leaky steam pipe that will finish you in the end--it will be a little less accidental than that.
You see, for many criminals, the toilet (or maybe sometimes the sink garbage disposal) is the last hope when the cops are pounding on the door with a search warrant. Whether it's the drug dealer's kilo, the pervert's hard drive, or the serial killer's collection of spleens, much of what they try to flush will cause them problems they can't easily fix without outside plumbing expertise.
It's only a matter of time until one of them figures you're not to be trusted with their secret, and you have a little accident--lead pipes may not carry water any more, but they still pack a punch.
Have fun--oh, and do the world a favor--coveralls, not lowriders, okay?
Saturday, January 13, 2007
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The Lord of the Rings
So on account of I didn't bother to go to summer school and I read all the stuff--well, I say I read it--from last year, my teacher says "you gotta read Lord of the Rings" and I'm all "dude, I failed and that book's hella big" and he's all "challenge yourself" and I'm all thinking to myself "I'll watch the movie" but there's like three movies and I tried to watch them but I kept falling asleep--partly on account of how I was partying with my buds on New Year's Eve and this was the next day. Anyway, the power went out and my playstation wouldn't work so I figured, what the hell--I'll read it. But it isn't an "it"--it's a "them". Three frickin' books. So maybe, well, I kinda skimmed some parts.
Anyway, this Tolkien guy--JJR or JRR or JJJRRR or whatever his initials are--he was all "I finished The Hobbit and I've got all these other names I've made up I didn't get to use and geeks who live in their parents' basements everywhere need a fantasy world and a made up language to prove their geekdom so I better write three long boring books that only the geeks will love."
Well, he wrote one book of six books then they published it as three books--don't ask me why. Rather than suffer them yourself, all you need to know is:
Frodo is Bilbo's nephew. He gets the ring. He travels. People, other hobbits, a dwarf, an elf, and random temporary companions like Gandalf--who's pretty much a rip-off of Merlin--travel with him.
They climb hills, they cross rivers, they stay at inns and fancy homes and castles. They eat, they drink. They fight various creatures like orcs and ringwraiths. They travel more. They eat, fight and learn countless stupid made-up names of places, people and things. The ring is important for some reason. The creepy gollum with the speech impediment follows them. They run into some giant thinking spiders--nice rip-off by the way, JK Rowling--or should I say JKK Rowling?
Anyway, a couple thousand pages of travelling, fighting, eating, drinking and learning names later--oh, and there were these walking trees--some stuff happens in some volcano or something with the ring and the hobbit guy has his finger cut off and then goes home but it's all in trouble and then he goes somewhere else.
And besides all the stupid names, there's this language Tolkien made up. I was in math yesterday and our teacher was explaining inverse relationships, and asked for an example.
"Learning the Lord of the Rings language and getting dates in high school," I said. He wasn't impressed. Apparently he's a master at it. I notice, by looking at his hand, he's still seeking any finger bling himself--maybe that hit too close to home...
I asked him if he knew any Klingon and he sent me to the office. School sucks.
So on account of I didn't bother to go to summer school and I read all the stuff--well, I say I read it--from last year, my teacher says "you gotta read Lord of the Rings" and I'm all "dude, I failed and that book's hella big" and he's all "challenge yourself" and I'm all thinking to myself "I'll watch the movie" but there's like three movies and I tried to watch them but I kept falling asleep--partly on account of how I was partying with my buds on New Year's Eve and this was the next day. Anyway, the power went out and my playstation wouldn't work so I figured, what the hell--I'll read it. But it isn't an "it"--it's a "them". Three frickin' books. So maybe, well, I kinda skimmed some parts.
Anyway, this Tolkien guy--JJR or JRR or JJJRRR or whatever his initials are--he was all "I finished The Hobbit and I've got all these other names I've made up I didn't get to use and geeks who live in their parents' basements everywhere need a fantasy world and a made up language to prove their geekdom so I better write three long boring books that only the geeks will love."
Well, he wrote one book of six books then they published it as three books--don't ask me why. Rather than suffer them yourself, all you need to know is:
Frodo is Bilbo's nephew. He gets the ring. He travels. People, other hobbits, a dwarf, an elf, and random temporary companions like Gandalf--who's pretty much a rip-off of Merlin--travel with him.
They climb hills, they cross rivers, they stay at inns and fancy homes and castles. They eat, they drink. They fight various creatures like orcs and ringwraiths. They travel more. They eat, fight and learn countless stupid made-up names of places, people and things. The ring is important for some reason. The creepy gollum with the speech impediment follows them. They run into some giant thinking spiders--nice rip-off by the way, JK Rowling--or should I say JKK Rowling?
Anyway, a couple thousand pages of travelling, fighting, eating, drinking and learning names later--oh, and there were these walking trees--some stuff happens in some volcano or something with the ring and the hobbit guy has his finger cut off and then goes home but it's all in trouble and then he goes somewhere else.
And besides all the stupid names, there's this language Tolkien made up. I was in math yesterday and our teacher was explaining inverse relationships, and asked for an example.
"Learning the Lord of the Rings language and getting dates in high school," I said. He wasn't impressed. Apparently he's a master at it. I notice, by looking at his hand, he's still seeking any finger bling himself--maybe that hit too close to home...
I asked him if he knew any Klingon and he sent me to the office. School sucks.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
My little emo post
My better half is still in hospital, and in part, it seems the difficulties may lie in the cost-saving measure of getting rid of food preparation service staff a few years ago and contracting it all to a private company. When one is recuperating from surgery and needs a specialized diet, the company can't provide it. When this is all over, if I have any energy, I think I'll do some publicizing of how crappy it is--the nutritionist has been completely frustrated by the fact he prescribes the necessary diet but in order for her to get it, I have to go shop and bring it in myself.
She didn't eat anything for about 10 days--they were supposed to weigh her today, and I'm not looking forward to hearing that number--she's skin and bones right now.
Meanwhile, I visited the doctor's again today--trying a new strategy, and hope to get rid of my stupid cough. It's fine if I never talk or eat... not the best options though.
Trying to get my insurance claim sorted out--didn't realize until about a week ago that the "deadline" (I thought it was just the company's, thus the quotation marks) of the two year anniversary means if I don't get things sorted out by next wednesday, I'm hooped. I sent back a response to their same offer from 18 months ago pointing out it's about 2000 less than my losses/expenses alone, without any of the "pain and suffering" allotment that is usually taken into consideration. May have some legal wrangling ahead...
Trying to get on with my masters' research--got a hold put on my ethics approval back in mid-december--told by the university it needed approval from my district included in the application. Got told today, now the person is back from vacation in the district who looks after all this, that the district needs the university ethics approval before they'll give theirs. Anyone see a problem here? Thankfully, some phone calls and emails seem to have sorted this out.
The musical--Plan A was to teach the songs like last year--someone plays the four parts on tape, I make copies and kids go into parts and learn them through repetition before coming back to group. Problem: issues suddenly arise and can't get the piano person to do it--wish I'd had a Plan B in place--working on that now.
My set builder for the last 10 shows took a job elsewhere for the first semester. He called me night before last to inform me he's not coming back so he won't be in the building to build my set for me this year. Hmm--anyone care to take that on?
My marking is insanely behind. My parents are feeling neglected. My kids are coping.
There are some things I've just had to let go of, work related, this week. I'm thankful for the people I can turn to for help with that sometimes--a couple come to mind; one I know reads this.
Why am I taking time to blog? Good question. Thanks for listening.
She didn't eat anything for about 10 days--they were supposed to weigh her today, and I'm not looking forward to hearing that number--she's skin and bones right now.
Meanwhile, I visited the doctor's again today--trying a new strategy, and hope to get rid of my stupid cough. It's fine if I never talk or eat... not the best options though.
Trying to get my insurance claim sorted out--didn't realize until about a week ago that the "deadline" (I thought it was just the company's, thus the quotation marks) of the two year anniversary means if I don't get things sorted out by next wednesday, I'm hooped. I sent back a response to their same offer from 18 months ago pointing out it's about 2000 less than my losses/expenses alone, without any of the "pain and suffering" allotment that is usually taken into consideration. May have some legal wrangling ahead...
Trying to get on with my masters' research--got a hold put on my ethics approval back in mid-december--told by the university it needed approval from my district included in the application. Got told today, now the person is back from vacation in the district who looks after all this, that the district needs the university ethics approval before they'll give theirs. Anyone see a problem here? Thankfully, some phone calls and emails seem to have sorted this out.
The musical--Plan A was to teach the songs like last year--someone plays the four parts on tape, I make copies and kids go into parts and learn them through repetition before coming back to group. Problem: issues suddenly arise and can't get the piano person to do it--wish I'd had a Plan B in place--working on that now.
My set builder for the last 10 shows took a job elsewhere for the first semester. He called me night before last to inform me he's not coming back so he won't be in the building to build my set for me this year. Hmm--anyone care to take that on?
My marking is insanely behind. My parents are feeling neglected. My kids are coping.
There are some things I've just had to let go of, work related, this week. I'm thankful for the people I can turn to for help with that sometimes--a couple come to mind; one I know reads this.
Why am I taking time to blog? Good question. Thanks for listening.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
CCC is back
I used to have all the Cynical Career Counselor posts on a page of their own; after some discussion with Nylon, we thought it best to remove that page, while we go over/edit them with the idea of doing something more eventually.
I like having a page out there though, so I'm putting a sampler collection online--14 of the 74 posts, which I suppose I'll change up from time to time.
Here it is.
On a different note, thanks for the kind thoughts those who contacted me or who I've chatted with in the last day or two. Things are going okay--the next several days will show us how successful the surgeon was.
I like having a page out there though, so I'm putting a sampler collection online--14 of the 74 posts, which I suppose I'll change up from time to time.
Here it is.
On a different note, thanks for the kind thoughts those who contacted me or who I've chatted with in the last day or two. Things are going okay--the next several days will show us how successful the surgeon was.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
More seasonal stuff...
Tonight we took my parents on a christmas light drive. We saw some amazing (and amazingly tacky) homes, but pics of lights generally don't work. Last night, though we headed out to Butchart Gardens to see the annual Christmas decorations and displays. Over a number of years they built the "12 Days of Christmas"--we'd been a couple years ago but they added the 12 drummers drumming since then. Here are some pics; if you want to see the rest they're on my photobucket. The password is "lookatthepics".
This is the sunken garden all lit up.
This was kind of cool--a star way up high in a tree and then the real moon above that.
This is the outdoor skating rink--being Scrooges, though, we didn't agree to stick around and pay the bucks to let my daughter and her friend skate there.
My wife thought this looked like the Narnia lantern, an illusion which would be damaged if I hadn't cropped the men's room sign off the bottom of it.
This is the sunken garden all lit up.
This was kind of cool--a star way up high in a tree and then the real moon above that.
This is the outdoor skating rink--being Scrooges, though, we didn't agree to stick around and pay the bucks to let my daughter and her friend skate there.
My wife thought this looked like the Narnia lantern, an illusion which would be damaged if I hadn't cropped the men's room sign off the bottom of it.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
and between the holidays...
1. Boxing Day sales--they're pretty much now a constant state of hyperretailing from Dec. 26 to Jan. 1. Most disturbing thing I noticed: You can buy Moulin Rouge in a 2 for $10 bin, but Pretty in Pink and Big Momma's House 2 go for 2 for $20. What mouth breather is pricing these things?
2. SKYPE! I tried it for the first time yesterday--talked to my niece in Winnipeg for about a half hour, and it was amazing. The sound was really clear, and the whole family at one time or another had a chance to chat with her.
3. Running! Yes, first time yesterday in about a month. Amazing how quickly you lose your endurance. I guess I might as well get a start on that new year's resolution early.
4. 5:30 a.m. in the freezing morning. Tomorrow my son starts his daily paper route, and like a good dad, I've agreed to get up and go with him the first time--partly because I've agreed to give him one day a week off and do Saturday mornings for him. Thus, I guess I need to know it too. Before going back to nursing, my wife did this same route (plus another one) every morning and I used to do it on weekends, but that was about 8 years ago. It's a few degrees below freezing right now so there should be ice everywhere.
I'm off to bed--morning is going to come painfully early...
2. SKYPE! I tried it for the first time yesterday--talked to my niece in Winnipeg for about a half hour, and it was amazing. The sound was really clear, and the whole family at one time or another had a chance to chat with her.
3. Running! Yes, first time yesterday in about a month. Amazing how quickly you lose your endurance. I guess I might as well get a start on that new year's resolution early.
4. 5:30 a.m. in the freezing morning. Tomorrow my son starts his daily paper route, and like a good dad, I've agreed to get up and go with him the first time--partly because I've agreed to give him one day a week off and do Saturday mornings for him. Thus, I guess I need to know it too. Before going back to nursing, my wife did this same route (plus another one) every morning and I used to do it on weekends, but that was about 8 years ago. It's a few degrees below freezing right now so there should be ice everywhere.
I'm off to bed--morning is going to come painfully early...
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
What wonders man hath wrought
So this is it--the culmination of technology this Christmas season. You turn on Channel 93--there's the now traditional shaw cable fire--every so often a hand reaches in and throws on another log. It's also on Cable 11 as well, at least right now.
But that's not the peak, the culmination of what years of technological improvement in broadcasting hath given us. Turn to channel 94. THERE'S A DIFFERENT FIRE!
It looks very similar--but it's not.
Do we really need this much choice?
But that's not the peak, the culmination of what years of technological improvement in broadcasting hath given us. Turn to channel 94. THERE'S A DIFFERENT FIRE!
It looks very similar--but it's not.
Do we really need this much choice?
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