The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future in

Gangsta Rap

Oh hello--I didn't hear you knocking there. It's okay--my appointment cancelled so I've got a few minutes. Just slide that briefcase under the chair and sit down. What'll it be--accountancy? insurance? What's that? You want to be a gangsta rap star? Are you sure?

Hmm--well, first of all you're white, but that didn't stop Eminem, so there's hope. You'll need to figure out a way to build some street cred, though. The sooner you get out of your upscale neighborhood and into a rat-infested apartment in the projects of some scary urban war zone the better. If you can't hear gunshots before you go to sleep at night, you're in the wrong zip code.

You'll also need... uhm--are you okay? No, I don't mind--just go ahead and use the inhaler.

You okay now? No, I don't know how many rappers are asthmatic--I'm sure there's no reason asthma has to keep you from your dream--I'm pretty sure "Puff Daddy" had the same problem. Hey--maybe you could incorporate the shape of the puffer into the gang signs you flash on your first album cover. You and your homies already have a finger sign? I see--very nice "Chess Club represent" indeed. You might want to be careful where you flash that--I hear the Latin Society owns these hallways.

You'll need to change your whole look as well. No, I'm not sure that the "Perfect Attendance" medal is the sort of bling that will work for this. You'll also need to maybe bulk up a little--I'm not sure your arms have enough room for the sort of tattoos you'll need to... oh? Well, I guess if you faint at the sight of needles you can skip the tattoos. No piercings, then, I suppose... No, those henna tattoos probably won't go over well at the freestyle battles in the clubs--but still, you'll need to build up some muscle. Exercise makes you break out in heat rash? That's too bad.

Oh, and those glasses--contacts will help make you look a little more... oh, that's too bad. Yeah, they are pretty thick--you'll have to spread the rumor your eyes got damaged once when you were taken down by the "po-po". You don't? Look it up--my son's monthly visit keep me up a little on gangsta talk.

Ultimately, you'll need a rap sheet. You need to prove how badass you are. What's that? No, I didn't know you got into trouble on the bus during that honor society field trip. Hmm--no, I don't think knocking off Nathan Meyer's yamulke counts as "busting a cap".

You should arrange to get yourself arrested for something--nothing major, mind you. Maybe you could just "happen" to be smoking a joint when the traffic cop is doing the tickets at the meters downtown. Likely it would be a misdemeanor, but you'd still be able do the "can't travel out of the country easily due to your criminal record thing". Huh? Oh, right--smoking won't work for you.

Look kid--I'll level with you. The prognosis isn't good. You want to take a shot? Go buy some baggy oversized clothes, fake jewel-encrusted shades, some gold chains with car hood ornaments, at least one fake gold tooth, a couple of scary bodyguards and a public relations agent.

Oh, and pick up a good profanity rhyming dictionary. It will come in handy, I'm sure.