The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future As A

Therapist (by request)

Hi--I remember you--you're the girl that ran "Rainbow Week" and "Diversity Camp". Yeah--you're also the assistant manager of the cheerleading squad, right? You'd probably make a pretty good therapist; I overheard Tiffany saying how you were "so there for her" when the football captain dumped her and you had her over to watch that ya-ya sisterhood movie and give each other pedicures... What? I am not smirking. Whatever--so let's think about what a therapist's career has to offer:

It's not the same as psychiatry--let's be honest, you don't have the marks for med school--and one of the benefits of that is that you won't have to carry a pager around at all hours so a dozen psychos can call you before they plan to jump. Really, you just have to get some sort of relevant-sounding degree, set up an office somewhere, and learn these few simple phrases:

How does that make you feel?
What was your relationship with your father like?
What was your relationship with your mother like?
Do you think you can really love someone else if you can't love yourself?
What do you think you should do?
Yes, I am listening.
No, I don't accept post-dated cheques.

and if you want to be a "neo-Freudian":

Were you breast or bottle fed?
How did toilet training go for you?

Once you get these down, you'll master the therapist's art of double-think--pretending to be engrossed by the self-absorbed whiner in your office while planning your next trip to Cabo.

It will work nicely for you--for a while. Then you'll meet "the one"--that unique patient who is so beautiful, fragile and genuine, that you find yourself actually listening rather than calculating your taxes in your head. You'll ache as she describes her psychopathic ex, and you'll break the cardinal rule of therapists--you'll talk about your own tortured past.

You see, the last thing your patients need to know is that part of the reason therapists and counsellors get into talking about their problems is that they themselves have deep-seated fears and insecurities about the very same things... What the hell are you smirking at? Career counselling is not the same thing at all! Anyway, to continue:

Your special patient will be given your home phone number--again, the violation of another taboo, and it seems only natural when you end up going for supper more and more frequently after her sessions, since she always seems to get the appointments at the end of the day. Your office assistant becomes colder and you catch her glaring at you when she thinks you're not looking, but you're not sure if she just disapproves of your inappropriate therapist-client friendship, or if she's still carrying around the crush on you she drunkenly confessed to the previous christmas.

The "incidents" that start occuring are so minor as to escape your conscious notice at first--your car mirror is smashed, you get just breathing on the phone line when you answer those late-night calls--but then the signs become clearer. Someone chases away a hooded stranger before they cut your brake line in the office parkade, and when you weed your flower bed you notice a pile of cigarette butts outside your bedroom window.

You decide it's time to relocate, and you invite your patient friend--with whom you've crossed the friend line so badly your license should be revoked, but as a self-styled therapist you don't need a license--but she's been taking a few psychology courses at the local community college and she's learned about "transference", and realizes her feelings for you are artificial and that you are scum for taking advantage of them, so she cuts off all contact with you.

You are heartbroken, and take a leave for three months, and rent a villa in Tuscany. (I never said this gig wouldn't pay well.) You're amazed at how distance, fine wine and relaxation time heal your pain. You're almost ready to come home when the psychotic ex finds you. The local police find two bodies--your killer is the one which hasn't been ritually dismembered, and the subsequent investigation finds letters in your murderer's room which put your assistant in prison for 18 months for passing along your wherabouts--it seems she was the jealous type after all...

What do you mean "why don't we have a female career counsellor"? I am not homophobic! I signed your stupid "definition of marriage" petition didn't I? Wait a minute, come back--let's talk about this.

Crap. This isn't going to be good.

The other 37 Career Counsellor posts can be found here.