The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains

Romeo and Juliet

So there's this Romeo dude--he's a Montague--and he's all "I love Rosalind" and his friends are all "Dude, you got it bad; come and party with us" and he's all "Life sucks" but he goes to the party at the house of the Capulets. By the way, if you're like, all confused about the names, remember that Juliet and Capulet end with the "et" thing.

So he goes to this party, and they're all like, masked, but this guy Tybalt, who's kinda like some hired bodyguard/protection guy for the Capulets, he sees Romeo and he wants to take him out right there, but the Old Capulet guy says back off cause Romeo's a good guy and besides, a party sucks after someone is offed in the middle of the dance floor. So Romeo stays and sees Juliet and he's all "Rosalind who?" and then he's all makkin' on her even though she's like 13 and he's like one of those creepy sophmores that the middle school phones up our principal about and says they're gonna get the cops after them if they keep going over there at lunch.

So Romeo arranges to marry Juliet--cause on account of in Shakespeare's time by 25 a chick had already lost her teeth and gotten all haglike from raising 8 kids and then she probably dies giving birth to number 9, so it was like "party when you're 13 cause life will suck when you're 20" and this Friar guy who's like some church dude is going to help them but then Romeo runs into Tybalt and he's all "step up" and Romeo's all whipped and then Mercutio says "Damn, Romeo if you're going to wuss out I'll step up" and then Romeo tries to go all hockey linesman and stop it but then when Romeo's in the way holding Mercutio back Tybalt kills Mercutio, but it's like one of those long cartoon deaths where the guy talks for like half an hour and twitches and stuff and then says "a plague on both your houses" which I think means he wanted a bunch of grasshopper/locust things to come and eat them. Now that woulda been a cool way to end it--like these bitchin' killer grasshoppers come in and start chomping on everyone and Romeo has to steal a horse and go rescue Juliet...

Well, anyway, it hits the fan pretty bad on account of how the Prince said there was a truce between the Montagues and the Capulets and now Romeo went and killed Tybalt after Tybalt killed Mercutio, so the Prince says that Romeo has to get out of town. Meanwhile, Juliet's family decides she should marry this Paris dude before she becomes some old maid at 14, and it's gonna happen right away. So this Friar dude makes a plan with some fakey poison that makes Juliet all zombie-like and then sends some dude to tell Romeo it's all a trick, but this plague thing happens--but not with the killer grasshoppers--and so the messenger dude can't go, so Romeo hears she's dead and he's all upset and gets poison and heads back to go see her tomb.

So this Paris dude is already at the tomb when he gets there, and he's all "she's my dead chick" and Romeo's all "no, she's my dead chick" and then Romeo kills him and then he offs himself and then Juliet wakes up and she's all "damn--this sucks" and she offs herself and then the grownups all say "wow, we all suck and now they're dead" and so they all make up and that's pretty much it. Oh, and there was this stalker balcony scene when Romeo was all trying to peeping tom it outside Juliet's house, but it's not important.


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