The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future as a

Crime Scene Investigator

Hi--no, I'm glad you called. Yeah, it has been a while. Really? I was wondering how that reconciliation was working out for you. That's too bad. Me? No, I don't have any plans for supper. Oh right, all you can eat shrimp until six--that sounds good. Yeah, I can probably be out of here in five--traffic's a bugger out that way. Okay--see you there.

Oh, hi kids. I was just leaving. What? No, I never make appointments this late? Really--I did--let me check that book. Well, look, could you come back tomorrow or something. No, no--I understand you guys are busy too. Okay--but four of you? Normally I only do one career at a time. Oh, you all want to be CSI's huh?

Hmm--well, I've seen those shows as well. If popular media and our preconceptions are to be trusted, then a career as a crime scene investigator will go something like this:

You'll probably do the police academy or something lab oriented. Then you'll go somewhere where they'll determine if you have the qualifications to work in a crime lab. That means they'll check whether you meet the "hotness" requirements--since most CSI's look like they could be models or something.

You'll start in the lab, which means you'll have to hide the hotness a little by tying your hair in a bun and wearing glasses and a lab coat if you're a girl, and being a bit of a anime or tech geek if you're a guy. One day you'll get your break and there will be an opening out in the field, so you can shed the lab coat and ride in the cool vehicles. Apparently in Miami taxpayers provide Hummers for their civil servants.

Don't gain weight--one thing CSI's have in common is they're all fit. If you're female you'll always wear very low cut tops to go out to crime scenes, no matter that you have to bend over bodies all the time. This holds true even if you're a female forensic pathologist. If you're blonde you'll also wear designer pant suits and stiletto heels and you'll have probably dated every FBI, Treasury or ATF agent you run across at work.

If you're a guy, you'll have a dark secret--gambling, drugs, alcohol or abuse in your past. Actually, this may be true for the girls as well. If you're hispanic, either your sibling or niece or nephew will be mixed up in the cartels or with other bad people and you'll have to pull in favors to save them.

Also, you'll "cross the line" every few months and be investigated by some asshat from the Internal Affairs Bureau. Your boss will break some rules and save you, though. You'll learn to trust your boss, even though he may be kind of creepy and you've never seen him outdoors even at night without dark glasses and the whispered rumors about his personal life are, well, disturbing...

Though you work in a city of millions, your shift--either days, afternoons or nights--will only investigate two crimes at a time. Sometimes only one. Those crimes will involve hot people being killed by other hot people. Usually the body is found at a beach volleyball court, a fashion show, a fetish party or simply a skanky motel.

Also, though the city police force includes thousands of officers, you will always find the same one waiting at your crime scene. It's kind of creepy, actually.

You'll have an uncanny knack for spotting the dead mosquito in the driveway that just happened to bite the perp as he or she was killing the victim, and you'll somehow turn that mosquito into a DNA hit in the computer--a computer which has a crazy holographic projector that responds to waves of your hands rather than something as mundane as a mouse.

You'll use other amazing technology as well--perfume sniffing machines and such. No matter that no other law enforcement agencies have seen them--they exist in crime labs.

You'll never have a family, unless somehow you already have one and are estranged from them by the time you start working as a CSI. Still, your work will be rewarding, since every criminal will actually instantly give a confession once you finally share the questionable evidence your science fiction technology provides.

Have fun--I'm outta here.