Madame Bovary
So I come back to school this fall and I look at my schedule and there's this "Advanced Novel" course or something and I'm like all "What happened to Mechanics III?" and the counselor's all "You have to repeat Math since you flunked it last year and so your schedule didn't work" and I'm all "But this is like some AP course" and he's all "If you limited your weed to weekends you could probably do it" and I'm all "Whattya mean, I don't smoke any..." and he's all "Do I look like I was born yesterday" and I figure that's a good time to shut up and then he says apparently from some sort of IQ test I took back before the recreational smoking got outta hand I scored "Well into the slightly above average test range".
So here I am. And it's full of hella smart kids and the first thing they make us read is Madame Bovary. And I'm like all "Woo-hoo--it's short". That's the only good thing to say about it.
In this course we have to look for all this symbolicisms and stuff. So I figure the title's a symbol cause it sounds like 'bovine' and 'ovary' and it made me think of what my mom says when I go in and outta the house when I'm working on my car--did I ever tell you I bought a 69 Plymouth Duster this summer? It's bitchin' and I'm gonna put a shift kit in it but I'm gettin' kinda pissed at some of my so-called friends who sneak into the driveway at night and pull all the spark plug cables off the distributor cap--Do you know anybody who's got their firing order memorized to put those things back? Oh wait--
Yeah, so when I keep goin' in and out of the house my old lady's all "Close the door--were you born in a barn?" So I say something about the whole "Bovary is bovine ovary" and the smart AP French girls start arguing and one calls me an idiot and then the other says something about this guy named "Tuvache" and then the first one yells at her in French and one of them says "No, you're a cow".
Anyway, this Emma chick is all "I want a life like the romance novels" and then she marries this doctor but he's crappy so soon she's all "Life sucks" and then she's a whore. Well, and she has a kid and then the kids says "Mommy pay attention to me" and she's all "No, I'm busy being a whore."
And then she gets sick but really just her boyfriend ditched her (well and maybe she had the hep) and her husband is all "poor baby" but she's just skanky but he's too stupid to know. (Kinda like if Homer Simpson was a doctor and married Vegas Mom only instead of Marge.)
But then she gets better cause she has other guys and he's all still "I'm stupid and a crappy doctor" and she's all "I have to shop and buy more stuff" and he's all "okay dear" and she's all "I have to go to another town for music lessons but really I'm having an affair there" and he's all "Okay but I met your music teacher and she didn't know you" and she's all "Shut up stupid it's someone with the same name" and he's all "d'oh".
And then I think she dies. But not of bovarian... Ouch. Somebody just smacked me in the head with their book. I hate this class.
4 comments:
It appears you have met my son, or some variation thereof.
oh my gosh! I had to read the bov for ap english last year, I HATE THAT BOOK....ugh, and I think you did great with the little quote-y parts. loved it.
but she definately doesn't just 'die' she kills herself with arsenic. arsenic.
... a lot different from the death by arsenic in the film arsenic and old lace. haha. madame bovary=vomit.
Ahh yes, the arsenic. Even in her death she's kind of annoying.
While I read the whole thing, I'm not sure if "the kid" ever actually does.
Madame Bovary is not annoying. I must also confess a fondness for Doctor Zhivago. And La Boheme. I sense a theme.
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