The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future As

A Sports Announcer

Hi there--a sports broadcaster? Yeah, you've got a pretty good voice and you don't stutter, so it might just work.

You can go to one of those "Columbia School of Broadcasting" things you see advertised in magazines but really, any media courses will just give you the ability to run the electronics and make a demo tape--ultimately, you've got to get the chance to do it so the right people hear you. As usual, that means starting at the bottom.

I won't go into how truly awful that will be--let's just say that you probably won't get paid, and your status as a geek loser will be reinforced to all. The only sports you'l likely be given a chance to "broadcast" are lame high school games where your vocabulary will frequently include the word "drubbing". With luck, you'll turn that into a weekly cable broadcast of a Triple-C farm team of the Pawtucket Red Sox and gradually move across North America trying to slightly improve things until you might actually earn enough money at it that you aren't constantly dizzy from selling your own blood. You'll become better at feigning excitement than your Socials teacher on project day.

Which sport are you... Oh, baseball? Well, you should understand that as broadcaster, your job is to distract people from the fact that for 98% of the baseball game NOTHING IS HAPPENING by having tons of trivial facts to... Oh, football then? Well, you should understand that most football broadcasters get to work in places like Detroit and Chicago IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WINTER. L.A. doesn't even have..., oh, basket ball--now that's better--it's indoors and they actually play.

It will be a life out of a suitcase. If you plan to settle down and have a family, you'll have to look outside the basketball culture for dates... why? Well, have you ever been to a WNBA game? The women watching those aren't bringing their, uh, boyfriends, let's just say. Anway, since you'll likely marry someone who has a life seperate from sports, you'll quickly learn how meaningless and trivial all your valuable sports knowledge is in any social gathering outside of the sports bar. This won't make for a happy home life, trust me. And forget asking out the sports babe who does the interviews after the game--those perfect teeth save their smiles for the players--you aren't even on the radar.

When you interview players and coaches, you'll become master of the soft question--after all, most broadcasts are owned by the same company that owns the team, so all you are is a glorified PR schill. "What positives can you take from this loss" will be as tough as you get after the 124 - 67 shcllacking. Meanwhile, even though you travel on the same planes and stay at the same hotels as the players, all they can think of when you interview them is how much you remind them of the nerds they used to torment in gym class.

On the bright side, you'll get to see some great moments in sport. Too bad you won't ever get to relax and enjoy them.