The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future as a

Teen Pop Singing Sensation (by request)

What's that? Oh, I remember you--you're the girl who booked me to be one of the judges for the karaoke contest last fall and then when Mr. Carter wasn't going to be sick after all, you dumped me and put him in. Sooo, you fancy yourself a singer, do you? Well, I think we can figure out what lies ahead:

First of all, you'll need to drop about 25 pounds. Your mother may think you're perfect, but you're gonna have to prance around in some pretty slutty stuff, and you ain't got the shape for it, believe me. Also, look at the people "making it"--that australian piece of fluff--Kylie Minogue--you think she's got some sort of corner on the good singing voice market? Face it, even more serious music can't pretend; how much have you heard about Charlotte Church since she turned chunky--who cares about the "voice of an angel" if she's making too many trips to the buffet? Every time they tell you some chick like Stevie Nicks is making a comeback it's just another way of saying they've finally joined Weight Watchers. What's the matter? You got something in your eye? Yeah, there's some kleenex in the box there...

So, where was I? Oh yeah--you've been taking singing lessons--but that's only half of it--you need to learn to move. I've seen you in that morning dance class--you look like an injured water buffalo. You need to take some intensive dance training--maybe drop a few academic classes, after all, when you're famous and rich who cares if you learned high school chemistry?
Your parents don't think so? Tell me--who's the career counsellor here, anyway? If your parents cared about your performing career they'd have gotten you an agent by the time your were 6 and you wouldn't be sitting here wasting both of our time. Remember that girl who played the clumsy dancer in "Hollywood Steam Baths"? You don't--well trust me, it was a classic in the genre. Anyway, she went to this school, and about eight years ago she sat in this very office and I told her what she needed to do to make it in show business. Now look at her--she's even got a web site with pictures. So who knows more about how to succeed in a performance career--me or your parents?

Hey, you know that girl in the library club with the braces and the thick glasses? Jeannie? Yeah that's her--she's got an amazing voice. You should get her to record some stuff and practice lip syncing to it--her voice is good enough, but the way she looks... Let's just say she won't be on any album covers any time soon. Talent? Of course talent matters--just like you care about the color of a car you might want to buy--but it isn't the main factor.

Hey, where you going? I ain't halfway finished... Hey--why don't you go ask Mr. Carter what he thinks? Oh wait--he's a P.E. teacher--what does he know about singing? Must be a lot, since he was such a damn good karaoke judge and all...

hmm--I think I'll send a note home to mom and dad about her burgeoning eating disorder...