The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future As

A Doctor

Hi--a doctor, you say? Let me look up your grades... Let's see now--wow--mid to high 90s across the board--especially in all those science courses. What kind of cars do your parents drive? A Neon and a Volvo? What year's the Volvo? Oh. Hmm... That's not so good. You got any rich grandparents? Scholarships? Maybe, but still... I think it might work out something like this.

First of all, you'll be looking at either staying in Canada, in which case when you graduate you have to do the whole "where will the government let me practice" thing, or you go to the states, where it's all about huge amounts of money up front to make big bucks later. Either way, it's expensive and a hellish grind--your little high school success will give you small comfort in the big show....

You'll do the premed stuff without too much trouble; I'm guessing you're smart with a good work ethic, and then you'll find out that med school is built on a rather unusual fallacy--that the day consists of 36 hours rather than 24. There is no magic time portal that will save you from the hell that your schedule will put you though, but there is one thing you'll learn quickly: pharmaceutical support. You see, you absolutely can't afford to lie awake waiting to fall asleep, nor can you dare be less than fully alert in your classes and lab work. It's just not good form to fall asleep face down in the open belly of a cadaver.

Of course, the schedule won't keep you from helping the other med students live out the "work hard, play hard" philosophy that stretch your body and your credit to the limit. One might think that a bunch of future doctors would buy the "body is a temple" thing more than most--but the rampant pursuit of pleasure and altered states of consciousness are what will make your few moments of freedom worthwhile.

You'll also discover that delicious irony that while med students are especially popular in the dating game, you never really have much time to take advantage of it. The few times you do drop the "I'm a med student" line, you realize it's always doubted; not until your dishevelled apartment evidences a variety of medical texts and a stethoscope does your companionship become a valued commodity. This discovery, though, will be a valuable one.

You see, you're going to find the financial pressures of med school tough--it's not like a sociology degree where you can work 30 hours a week at a restaurant and still maintain your GPA. No, an outside job just isn't going to work--that's why you'll start selling medical paraphenalia to friends and friends of friends who want to pull the "I'm a doctor" schtick believably.

When you get caught--only so many old textbooks and stethoscopes can go missing without anyone noticing--you'll explain that you've really been collecting them for third world countries--an even more successful approach than "I'm a doctor", you'll share with your friends who are quickly becoming your disciples.

Upon graduation, you'll have a choice to make--family physician with the comfortable social position it offers, or head towards a specialization, which allows you to become truly wealthy while your interpersonal skills shrivel to nothing.

Either way, it's good--hey--you're pretty up on biology; could you tell me, does this look infected?