The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future As

An Elementary School Playground Supervisor

Hi--are you sure you're in the right place? Oh, you do? Then come in. No, don't touch that. Just sit down, okay? All right--what is it you want to talk about? What's a "duty"? Uh-huh... Oh, you mean one of those playground monitors. As a career? You realize that you'd need some sort of real job; that doesn't pay... Now wait a minute, don't get upset. You already get money? Plate in your head? okay then... It would probably go something like this:

You will finish high school, I guess, and then you'll get some sort of job training, and eventually you'll indicate that... huh? Oh, indicate means you tell somebody. Look, I'm just going to smoke while we do this, okay--don't tell anybody though. Right--don't "indicate" about it.

So, you'll say "I wanna be a duty", and some nice person will teach you about being one. And then you will. Great, see you later. What? Whattya mean, there should be more? Well that's because those kids are talking about real... all right, but not too long.

You'll get a nice orange vest, and a shiny whistle, and you get to yell at the bad kids. Some of the bad kids might make fun of how you talk, but you don't worry about that. When they go back inside, you just let the air out of their bike tires, or smear the dog poop from the sandbox on their seats. Whenever the principal comes to talk to you, listen real carefully and then ask him why you don't have a pension plan or dental benefits. Here, I'll write it down for you.

Make sure when November rolls around you ask all the teachers when the Christmas party is and tell them you want to have it at your place. If the principal or one of the other staff asks you to do something you don't want to, like sweep up the glass on the playground, say "my head hurts" and go lie down in the nurse's room for a while. Make sure you blow the whistle at least once every lunchtime or they'll take it away from you.

There, is that enough? Good. Yes, I like you too. No, you can't have a cigarette--you can smoke lots when you're a duty, though.


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