The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future As

A Personal Assistant

Hi there--so you want to do what? Personal Assistant? Hmm--never had that one before--most people don't lose all their pride and self respect until after high school. Still, I guess I could figure it out.


Don't fall for the idea that there's some sort of publicist or management course you can take that will prepare you for this line of work. You see, you'll need to become the ultimate generalist--the "jack of all trades" competent in both legal and illegal actions to aid in the comfort and safety of employer.

First of all, you should know that normal people don't have personal assistants. You will work for someone who is both wealthy and disfunctional--musicians, actors, lottery winners, children of corporate scions... Yours will be the 80+ hour week, and your personal life will be nonexistent. There is no way you can raise your own family when you have dedicated your life to parenting an incredibly selfish and needy adult.

You will start off on a professional level, at first--whatever you do, don't ask what happened to the last personal assistant--such a question shows you lack the tact for the job. There will be dozens of questions that are never asked: "Why does your passport list that as your birthday?" "Should I put your mother's call through?" "How old were those girls last night?"--and so many more. You will need to anticipate every whim before it is spoken, and should anything "kill the buzz" of the group, you will be hauled in and berated by your barely-coherent boss. You will never, of course, disrespect your employer in public, and you will sacrifice your own happiness, safety and reputation on a daily basis to keep theirs intact.

You will help them cheat on their taxes, you will calm angry hotel and restaurant managers, you will fire long time employees, you will track down and purchase all manner of illicit substances, you will pimp when your employer is horny, and you will lie to spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends so effectively that you will frighten even yourself. Don't even ask what you'll have to do for their collection of diseased, incontinent pets and relatives.

Ultimately, should you be under 280 pounds and of a gender that your employer finds at all attractive, you will be "hit on"--usually as part of a drunken, drug-addled stupor. By this time, you'll be so far removed from normal social interactions that you won't resist this final act of subservience. The next day, you'll realize that a new level of awkwardness has encroached upon your relationship with your boss, and the clock is now ticking until your replacement is found. This is when you should begin your serious embezzling of funds. Get a swiss bank account, copy and save incriminating documents, phone recordings and videotapes, and remember that everything disgusting and embarassing that's happened over your four years with this overgrown baby is now the substance of your retirement fund--you'll sell your silence to your boss, or peddle your story to the highest bidder.

Just be careful--some personal assistants find that retirement from some employers can be hazardous to one's health.


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