The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future as a

Longshoreman

Hey kid--so you want to be a longshoreman? Well, I heard your language out on the field after you lost the soccer game the other day, so you've definitely got the vocabulary down. It won't be easy, though.

First of all, it's tough to break into the longshoreman biz unless you are related or connected to someone already there. You're not? Well then, there is one other option, but it has its risks. You'll need a good camera with night vision and a telephoto lens. Hide out for several nights, and no doubt you'll see all manner of felonies occur. Take good pics of the most serious, and get license plates and faces of all involved. A murder/body dump is your best bet.

Then it gets tricky. You'll need to make copies of all the photos and relevant information and place them in safety deposit boxes in different banks. Choose three people you trust, give each a key and instruct them to send the key and a sealed letter to a reputable news outlet if you should go a week without contacting them.

Make sure you choose one person of the three who isn't much of a friend--that's the one you're going to give up to the Teamsters when they say you're bluffing about the "I've got information that will go to the authorities in the event of my death" thing. They'll go kill your friend and find the information. Then they'll believe you've got more, and likely that will buy your life.

Of course, there is always the chance they trust their torture skills enough to simply try to force the identities of the other friends out of you. It's more likely, though, that they'll admire your tenacity in pursuit of your career goal and welcome you into their fold.

Then it's the gravy train for you, at least for a while. So much stuff "falls out" of containers being shipped, and you learn from the other longshoremen the best places to sell the electronics, clothing, watches and liquor you sneak home each week. Every so often you'll make a few grand to look the other way when a container of illegal immigrants from China arrives--you make even more when you help dispose of the ones who died in transit.

Of course, nothing good lasts long, and the other side of working the docks isn't much fun. There are the tarantulas and other tropical critters that come packed with the bananas and produce from southern climes, and epidemiologists all too often call seaports "ground zero" when describing the arrival of some new deadly infection.

Your end isn't too easy to predict, though. You see, between mafia/teamster/triad gun battles, poisonous insects, deadly viruses and "accidental" drownings, there are plenty of opportunities for you to leave your widow a hefty pension. Even if you don't get killed at work, the feds are eventually going to bring you down in some sting operation involving fake designer products and the third world slave trade.

At prison you'll encounter violent gangs of wide variety of ethnic origins. Some will remember you gouging them when they smuggled their drugs or other contraband into the country. They won't like you, and they'll make sure you know it. On the bright side, you'll be able to swear in fourteen languages when they're practicing their national form of deadly martial combat on your kidneys.

Hey, if you get any "discount" scotch, remember my number, okay?