The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future As An

Advertising Copywriter

Ah, yes--you're the kid who wants to get into advertising. You wrote the poems for the bakesale posters last week--how did it go again? "They've had enough abuse, Had all that they can take, Help support the women's shelter, buy some cookies and a cake". Lovely--socially responsible and catchy.

So--it won't all be bake sales and battered wives. No, you're going to end up probably working for some two-bit "alternative" radio station which doesn't get all its commercials from a network feed. Maybe you'll write little ditties for ethicially-grown coffee for the "Lesbian Poet's Corner" or a catchy jingle about safe sex for "Percussion Only". Whatever they give you to work on, you'll be gratified to know that the 20 people listening probably appreciate it, and your below-minimum wage paycheque will pay for the stamps you use to apply for real jobs.

You see, you won't have a minimum wage because you're self-employed. If you actually owned any assets, like a car, you would be able to depreciate them for tax purposes. All you'll have is an outdated computer that you use to ghostwrite 1st-year university papers for a little extra cash.

Still, hard work may pay off, and after a few years of poverty, if you don't quit, you might get a job at a small newspaper or a commercially-successful radio or television station. There you can leave behind the socially-responsible angst accompanied by chanting goddesses, and move into more traditional jingles for used car dealers and real estate agents. The trick will be keeping them fresh. There are only so many words that rhyme with "sale", after all. You'll also become well versed in other copywriting techniques, such as the "booming echo": THIS SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! EVERY USED CAR MUST GO BEFORE MONTH END INVENTORY--AMAZING SAVINGS! SAVINGS! SAVINGS!

Your work will be fulfilling only in that it pays you enough to get by--you won't brag about your masterpieces in most social circles. One day you'll meet the girl of your dreams, and your packaged charm will come in handy. You'll sweep her off her feet with love poems and songs, but a few weeks after you announce your engagement she'll discover a digital archive of all your old commercial ditties. The confrontation won't be pretty:

"Hey Dan," (your name is Dan, right kid?) she'll say, "Those things you said in your proposal--you said the exact same thing about a self-cleaning oven at Sears two years ago. 'Warm and secure' my ass," she'll mutter and then go on a rant about how she can't trust your praises of her worth when you've called lime cola "the greatest innovation since the printing press".

That sad episode will prove to you that you've lost your soul to advertising--and even when you do find a lesser mortal who will agree to marry you, you still will have to go through life being doubted by friends, your children and your workmates. Nobody believes a schill, my friend.

Good luck with it, though. I think there's another bake sale coming up next week--this time for the homeless shelter--want a bit of help? Twinkie and stinky rhyme. Think about it.

The rest of the Cynical Career Counsellor posts can be found here.