Sunday, October 29, 2006

Real Autumn

It always seemed, growing up, that the time change from Daylight Savings to Standard was more a seasonal marker than either the first day of fall--since it could often be beach weather, or close to it, after that--or the first day of winter--since we could easily have snow before then.

The time change was often a better divider between the mild, warm days of tennis and playgrounds, and the frosty, short days of fireplaces and fading gardens.

Today we spent a little time driving about with my parents, admiring the fall colours. It's been an amazingly relaxing and wonderful weekend. Here are some pics from today:



























































If you want to see all the pics from today--including ones of the family--go to this photobucket:

http://s9.photobucket.com/albums/a94/homeandfamily1/

Follow the submenus to get to today's pics, or just browse, if you prefer. You'll need a password if you don't have it already, and if you email me (jpurple01@hotmail.com) I'll be happy to send it to you. If it's been a while since you visited my photobucket, the password has changed so I'll need to send you the new one.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Quotes without context

Quotes from today: (I might have said a few)

"Maybe if the bishop hadn't spent all the money on racehorses you'd have a theatre"

"So when he woke up after the vasectomy he said his wife wasn't there but this student was standing by his side, so it was a sign from god"

"He cries. That's his shtick--he cries"

"Then they had sex in front of all the other kids at the party"

"Dude, your student teacher is hot"

"Which of your friends haven't you made out with?" (awkward pause) "That's what I figured."

"Then she asked me why I put the sewage in my classroom"

"Yeah--that's the guy who was the cop on that Beachcombers show. You don't? You're so young"

"They're just jealous of me 'cause I have a tiara"

"Not like just you're gay--she's sincerely gay"

"You know what my entire drama supply inventory is? Three lights and two hammers."

"Who hasn't seen her naked?" "Not anyone in this room, now"

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Cynical Career Counselor Predicts Your Future as a

Magazine Editor

Hey--you're the kid who won that photo contest last month, right? Well, I've got some photo brochures that... Oh? Magazine editor, huh?

You'll graduate high school and go on to hone your photography skills--you need to start somewhere, and that's what you know. You become skilled at both getting the perfect shot, and digital image manipulation on the computer. Once you're finished, you have an impressive portfolio and it isn't long before you're hired by a trendy publication which targets 20-somethings with disposable income.

Your job isn't boring, at least not at first. One week you're doing a travel feature in Pamplona during the running of the bulls, the next you're shooting artsy pics of the latest in high definition t.v. in Tokyo. Along the way you meet a variety of interesting people, but most of them see you as hired help, even if you get the invites to the trendy parties where the elite create fodder for scandal sheets--stories your magazine would never stoop to publish.

You are careful with your money, and although you save as much as you are able, you still can't quite cobble together the startup cash to get your own publication of the ground. You're too young for any of the established publications to consider hiring you, at least without more suitable experience garnishing your resume, so you escape the frustration of your situation by sharing the various illicit mind-altering delights available at the gatherings you attend.

It's a downhill spiral, but before you become a pathetic shell, you encounter the semi-attractive daughter of a magazine publisher who clearly finds you interesting. While she's not of the intellectual caliber of the writers you've met, and she doesn't have the physical qualities of models you've dated, she does have the potential to get you back on the road to realizing your dream.

Her father is a pragmatic man, and he realizes his daughter's happiness hinges on the man she soon calls her fiance, so he promises you a post as assistant editorship of a relatively new and edgy fashion/lifestyle magazine. You aren't surprised, though, when he makes it clear you'll get the job after you get back from your honeymoon. It's a dowry, plain and simple.

You throw yourself into your job, and you're only slightly annoyed at the occasional orders your boss gives you to take a night off and take your wife to a show--clearly he's doing your father-in-law's bidding. Your wife knows better than to demand your attention when she can use her stranglehold over your career to get her way.

Still, the marriage detiorates, and you sense that you'd best be working on your resume--your job is tied to your status as husband and son-in-law. You're eventually summoned to your father-in-law's office one day, where he explains that his daughter still loves you and you had best shape up. You find the intestinal fortitude to stand up to him for once, and when you leave, you also suggest that any attempt to fire you for your shortcomings as a husband will result in an lawsuit that will be at the least, very embarassing for him and his family.

He mutters some threats, but you leave, convinced your job is still safe, and that weekend you move into your own apartment. Your heartbroken bride calls so frequently you change your number and make sure you avoid any social events she might attend. You sense a change in your editor's attitude, at first, but then things seem to gradually return to normal, and you are lulled into a false sense of security.

Your downfall begins, ironically, with what seems like a major kudo for you. PETA is planning a new campaign to have celebrities and models who support their cause pose provocatively in front of uncooperative politicians' offices, often covered by nothing more than a stuffed baby seal toy, or a photo of a mountain gorilla. Normally, they'd go to a bigger publication, but when their P.R. director lets news of the campaign "slip" to you at a cocktail party, you convince him to let your magazine be the means to share their message.

The shoots go well--the P.R. guy insisted that you not only supervise the feature, but also shoot all the photographs. When you get to the last location, though, the model hasn't shown up. You panic and call your office--there's a tight deadline on this and blowing this story will mean irreparably damaging your reputation. Miraculously, though, a model had just stopped by the office on other business, and she is whisked out to your location.

You finish on time and you're pleased with the final product, although it meant a couple of very late nights for your staff to make the deadline. You are allowed two weeks after the magazine hits the stands to bask in your success.

Then it happens. The investigative journalist for a muckraking tabloid who gets a mysterious tip about an underage model in your shoot. It turns out your last model, the one who came fortuitiously to your rescue, is only 14--despite the fact she could pass for 19 anywhere. It's unfortunate that hers was one of the more provocative of the poses, and although it's no more than Janet Jackson showed to millions of football fans, it's enough to violate the recently passed strict laws about child exploitation.

You realize you have been set up, and pull the same maneuvre as Roman Polanski decades earlier--you flee to Europe. France refuses an extradition request, but it's clear that if you set foot on American soil you'll quickly find yourself in prison.

Your wife is cast as wronged spouse of the worst kind of pornographer, and the judge awards her all of your marital assets--not that you brought much to the union anyway.

You go back to photography, and are hired by Paris-Match. You spend the rest of your professional career going from one horrific auto accident to another, where you take graphic photos of charred corpses--a staple of all french newsmagazines.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Rapification

Yesterday: the Thursday morning before work dissonance that is the dance class in my theatre (yeah, I said "my"--sue me) with their ginormous boom box blaring the B.A.M.A. version of "Sweet Home Alabama". Meanwhile, through the wall on the other side, I am treated to the band playing "Hello Dolly". Not a pleasant combination of tunes torturing me in between, but far from the worst, trust me. (The Missy Elliott-Christmas/Hannukah songs duels were legendary last year.)

Today: Discussed with a couple folks the annoying "rapification" of so many songs. If something has any merit, or has had any success, there will be some no-talent ready to mumble some generic line that sounds like all other lines and it will be mixed in with the original. Somehow, this is now "their" song. Yeah right.

Using that premise, I could take a print of the Mona Lisa, and draw a moustache on it, and try to sell it. Then I could draw the same moustache on prints of a variety of other works--They wouldn't even need to have faces, since my fans love that reliable moustache. Imagine it hanging in the air over one the Monet's seven hundred different versions of "Water Lillies".

Does that make those works mine? I guess, if doing something relatively talentless and hitchhiking onto something famous confers ownership in our society.

It's this generation's version of the ubiquitous "elevatorization" of songs back in the 70s and 80s. I still shudder when I recall hearing the symphony orchestra version of "Karma Chameleon" playing in Safeway one day.

The rapification, though, doesn't require much skill, or as many people as "elevatorization" did. Just a mixing system and the ability to rhyme a little. Voila--thousands of songs have been raped this way. Some are surprising--"Rock Around the Clock" for instance.

This isn't a racist rant, either. B.A.M.A., who gave the world their own "Sweet Home Alabama", are a couple of white guys, from what I see of their album cover on Last.fm

(I don't think it's actually an album, since all their songs listed are really just one--Sweet Home Alabama.)

I posited that I could come up with the same sort of thing for virtually any song. I offered the example of "The Song that Doesn't End":

This is the song that doesn’t end
Not like life in the hood, I buried all my friends
Yes it goes on and on my friend
My friend, how I miss you my best friend,
I'm cryin' every night, bout how the good times had to end
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,
Like choirs in heaven, just because, not knowin' what it wuz
And they’ll continue singing it forever just because
Until the day I see your face, I'm prayin
You're in a better place

I'm not sure where the original would be sung and additional line mumbled, but play around on your garage band yourself and figure it out.

Folks--a microphone and a turntable don't make you a musician any more than a library card makes you a writer.

Sorry if you think I drank the hatorade--it just rankles sometimes, is all.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Just a little maple leaf waving...

...and if you're not at all aware of sports you likely won't care.

NHL Most Valuable player for 2005-06 - Joe Thornton, Canadian from Ontario.

NBA Most Valuable player for 2005-06 - Steve Nash, Canadian from right here in Victoria

Now--according to a number of articles like this, the frontrunner for MVP in the American League (baseball, if you're not aware) - Justin Morneau, Canadian from New Westminster (right across the water)

The NHL one isn't a big surprise; Canadian players have won more MVPs than any other nationality, but for major league baseball and for the NBA, well, it's not typical, let's say.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future as a

Cook

Hey kid--you're lookin' a little tired. Close up the pizza place again last night? That sucks. Yeah--I do hear you're pretty good at it. Still, there's a difference between a high school job for gas money, and a life sentence.

You'll stick at the pizza place--or go to another similar dive--once you're finished here. Once you no longer have to go to school, you can take the day shifts that keep your evenings free. Of course, you understand by "day shift" they mean 11:00 a.m. 'til whenever the hell the tyrannical manager tells you you're free to drag your grease-coated carcass home. Most likely it will be just after the girl you promised to see has given up and gone out dancing with some other guy.

Probably just as well--as you can already tell, until you outgrow your teenage skin, the greasy kitchen air helps make your pores a fertile home for acne.

You'll work hard--it's hot, constant work--and you hate the fact that when your food is quick and well-prepared, the waiters get the tips, but when something screws up, you're the one who wears it. Like all cooks, you become master of the "hidden lugee"--that blog of saliva and plegm that hides so well in most cream sauces. It's only for the truly difficult customers, of course. Unfortunately for your restaurant's clientele, as you become increasingly bitter, more and more customers bear the brunt of your frustration, even if they are unaware of the bonus DNA you include with the daily special.

You decide to take some college courses--your grades here are pathetic due to the brutal work schedule you already keep, so you'll only be able to get into those overpriced private business and computer colleges--don't be surprised when you're the only one in the class who actually has a good command of the English language.

The "diploma" they give you doesn't make anyone more convinced you'd make a good restaurant manager, so you quit your job and go to work on a cruise ship. It's a big change--when they're in the U.S. or Canada, there is a qualified, conscientious kitchen staff working in completely hygenic surroundings--once they get your first foreign port, however, the "show staff" hops a plane to another ship that might be subject to inspection back home, while you find yourself surrounded by a motley collection of dubiously-qualified refugees from a variety of nations.

You soon tire of the constant pressure of your day--unlike the greasy dives you worked before, the clientele of the cruise ship is used to haute cuisine and won't hesitate to complain if they feel your pretentious preparations aren't up to their standards.

Meanwhile, you learn to look the other way as the staff around you neglects the basic practices of safe food handling and personal hygiene. It is only a matter of time before another one of those "mysterious" outbreaks of disease spreads through the cruise ship population like wildfire, and unlike the baffled passengers and media, you are fully aware of the source of the intestinal plague.

The virus forces the ship back to port where a number of passengers are sent to hospital, and you resign your post as soon as the three-day quarantine is lifted. You head back here, to your home town, and empty your bank account to make a down payment on a hot dog stand. The annual permit costs twice what the stand is worth, but you figure it's mindless, simple work compared to your other cooking jobs, and soon you're pulling in a sizeable weekly income.

Unfortunately, your lungs were damaged by the cruise ship virus, and the constant exposure to damp, exhaust-filled downtown air gives you a nagging cough that eventually develops into pneumonia. When you are released from the hospital, you sell the cart and go looking for a cooking job that includes health and prescription coverage.

Such jobs, for those without actual chef's papers, are few and far between. You are offered a job at the hospital, but you know enough about the "superbugs" that strike every year or so in the wards which house the most weakened to turn that opporunity down. Then, you receive another offer--you are recruited to cook for the state prison down the highway.

It's a job that includes full benefits, and you work relatively normal hours and even get decent holiday breaks. You begin relaxing into the job after a few months, and aside from the sometimes awkward interactions you have with the few inmates assigned to kitchen duty, you rarely come into contact with any of the prisoners.

You even buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend and feel secure enough to put a down payment on a new condo development under construction a mere 15 minute drive from the prison.

Then, in a bid to save money, the government contracts out the food service operation of the prison. You fear you will lose your benefits and see your pay cut in half, but fortunately your union negotiates a deal that grandfathers your old wages and benefits into your new contract--it's only the newly hired staff who will be paid poorly and denied the benefit package.

The new regime cuts corners wherever possible, and their first act is to impose a new set of rules regarding food purchase. Soon the prisoners become agitated as the quality of their meals begins to suffer from the shoddy meat and overripe vegetables you are forced use in all your recipes. Some of the prisoners who work with you begin passing along death threats from the angry cons.

The riot is unexpected, and it takes place when liver is substituted for a planned sparerib dinner. The prisoners take you hostage, along with two guards, but when the swat team storms the building, it is only you who are found dead--a sprig of parsley covering each eye.