The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future as a

Firefighter

Hi kid - so what'll it be? Computer programmer? Comic book store manager? Firefighter? Really? You just don't, er, seem the type.

Well, it won't be easy--every would-be calendar hunk who doesn't want to be stuck in a classroom through four years of college sees it as the ticket to a decent income and hot chicks.

Aww, look--you're blushing.

Anyway, going straight to the city fire department will be futile. They get hundreds of applications from football-player types and when those spots are filled, the rest go to suitable females and minorities--you don't qualify for any of those categories.

So you'll need to go the "volunteer fireman" route to get much-needed experience before they'll even consider you. You'll have to move to some god-forsaken podunk farm community and take a horrible job at the feed store or radio station to make ends meet--I could tell you all about that sometime if you like--and then you'll sign up with the volunteer fire department.

You see, towns like that can't afford paid firefighters, so for the cost of a CB radio for your obligatory pickup truck, you can become one of the volunteers.

They won't exactly welcome you with open arms--city types are viewed suspiciously in places like that, and I don't see you blending in with the country farm boys. Still, you'll study the theory of firefighting in all your spare time and so when some sort of challenging situation involving a tanker truck overturning on the highway arises, or a grain elevator explodes, you'll know just what to do.

If you're lucky you'll avoid being crushed by the roof of a burning barn, or trampled by the frightened horses that run out of said barns, and you'll survive two of the loneliest years of your life living over the garage at "Widder Jenkins" place.

You can't just quit, but you'll start arranging your days off to allow you to get to nearby towns with real fire departments where you show your resumé that includes a variety of glowing reference letters and even a couple of newspaper clippings that mention your firefighting acumen.

One town has an opening, and you grab it, but it's only part-time, so now you have to find another job, while still putting in hours at the fire station washing the trucks and testing hoses for your small monthly stipend.

Here you find your first real romance - The local girl who walks her dog by the fire hall each day and who isn't quite attractive enough for the hunky firemen to be interested. You've worked hard getting fit for your job, and the long, lonely hours with little to do but work out in your last town helped. The two of you hit it off and before long you're engaged.

Her folks oppose the marriage as you haven't much income and the two of you agree to postpone the marriage until you've got a real firefighting job. It takes another year but you get a job in a slightly larger town that can afford full timers.

You're so excited you try too hard at the new job, and soon alienate most of your colleagues. Your fiancee is annoyed by having to move to a town where she doesn't know anyone, and rebuffs your attempts to set a wedding date. You get depressed and frustrated and begin working all the overtime you can get to avoid being alone in your drab apartment. It gets so bad that you even set a couple of fires to create more work.

Then it happens; you're in a warehouse that's been torched for the insurance money and a beam falls and traps you. By the time you're rescued, your left leg and arm have been seriously burned, and your employment compensation agency sends you off to the firefighter's rehab center in Chicago.

Look I need to get going, so here's the quick finish: Your girlfriend comes to visit, meets some other guy who's been much more disfigured than you, but still has the charm and personality he had before his accident. She dumps you, marries him, and you realize it wasn't just your looks that were the problem. Your personality sucks too.

Sorry, but look on the bright side--when you get back to work you can take the dalmatian for walks in the park. I hear that can be a really good ice breaker with the ladies. Good luck!