The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains

A Christmas Carol

So there's this old dude named Scrooge--which I'm not sure if the word means cheap and mean like the Grinch on account of it was his name or vers vice-a but anyway he was all "I love money and don't like people". So he didn't go to the mall to buy gifts or nothing.

There was this guy, Bob Cratchet, who worked for him and his name sounds like "scratch it" 'cause he was poor and lived in a crappy house and so I think they had fleas and lice and stuff. He had to help count Scrooge's money but didn't get any for himself. He wanted Christmas off for a holiday so Scrooge was all "You suck so come in early the next day".

Then Scrooge went home and he started having visions of Bob Marley, which is probably 'cause some of that Jamaican ganja can kind of mess you up, and this ghost Marley was all singing reggae stuff about how Scrooge was gonna end up dragging chains after he died.

Then three other ghosts show up. The past Christmas ghost is all "Look you used to not suck but then you got all money hungry" The ghost of Christmas present--not the ghost of Christmas presents, cause that would be like that Nightmare on Elm Street lego set I got when I was eleven and it was a present with ghosts--anyway that ghost was all "Look here is your nephew and Bob Cratchet's family and they all feel sorry for you and hate you and think you suck." And there was some creepy guy with long hair who was kind of fat with bad teeth and he had this little ukelele and sang "tiptoe through the tulips" in this kinda helium-like voice and his name was Tiny Tim.

And then the future ghost shows up and he's all "Look there's your grave and everyone's laughing that you're dead" and Scrooge is all emo and then he kind of gets like the Grinch when his heart grew 7 times or whatever and turns nice. I kinda think this Dickens guy totally ripped off the story from Dr. Seuss.

So he buys a turkey and is all nice to Cratchet and gives him a raise and stuff, but if I were them people I'd totally figure he was being fake and check the egg nog for rat poison or something.

Oh, and that Tiny Tim guy says "God bless us everyone" which is totally weird talking 'cause on account of he could just have said "bless everyone" but he didn't really want to bless everyone so he's kind of selfish and mean cause he really just meant "us" which wasn't really Scrooge 'cause on account of they were poor and Scrooge wasn't one of them so it's like a sort of secret shot at the old rich guy kind of like when we tell my French teacher that we really like his ties but we think they're hella stupid looking.

I gotta go buy some presents now dude. It's like Christmas eve and I spent the last three days playing Halo and I'm so screwed if I don't go to the store quick. Later.

_____________________________________________________
Editor's note: I know "it isn't funny if you've got to explain it" but for the benefit of those readers under 40 (which is most who read this) a couple of links about the Tiny Tim mentioned above:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiny_Tim_(musician)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skU-jBFzXl0

In the mid 70s he was pretty well known. Just like today, there's no accounting for what earns people their 15 minutes of fame.