The Cynical Career Counselor Explains Your Future as a

Wedding Planner

Hi kid--wedding planner? You do sort of have an "always the bridesmaid" kind of look about you, so I guess you might as well make a career of it. No, no, I didn't mean anything by that remark. But hey--if you take offence easily, you might want to rethink this.

You'll need to go take a little bit of training--a smattering of bartending, some accounting, design, decorating and maybe even a bit of restaurant management. Even so, none of that will prepare you for this. The best thing to do is find an experienced wedding planner and job shadow them for about six months--that or just get yourself thrown into a prison yard with the word "snitch" tattooed on your forehead--you'll be treated about the same way by those around you.

Once you've shadowed long enough to know the three key strategies of wedding planners--what's that? Oh, simple.

Number one: Small print saying "this is not a binding contract, but merely an estimate of total costs. Actual cost of service is subject to change". You can NEVER plan for the disasters that some poor cursed souls will face on their nuptual day.

Number two: Facing a tirading mother of the bride--always steer her to the employee who speaks the least English

Number three: You can always shut down and open again under a new business name. Buh-bye creditors.

You'll see the routine repeated over and over 'til you can predict it flawlessly: Which bridesmaid will hook up with which groomsman, when the father of the groom will signal for the cheaper booze to be opened up, how badly you'll want to throttle the the canned music guy every time he plays the "bird dance"--all leading up to somebody's cheque bouncing a few days after it's all done.

Still, weddings are emotional times, and eventually, you'll get to see the full spectrum--I don't mean joy, happiness--all that hallmark crap--I mean the raw alcohol-fueled revelation of anguish at love lost, hope betrayed, or youth faded.

One day it will go farther. A bitter, jilted ex will be too loaded to find the happy couple before they depart for their honeymoon, but since he packed the gun into the hall--well, maybe some of those flowers could double as your employees' tribute to your memory.