The Cynical Career Counsellor Explains Your Future As A

Pest Control Technician

Really. No, I'm not kidding--I just see you as someone who could make a career at this. Let's face it, kid--what have you done that makes you think medical schools will all be throwing open their doors to welcome you? Your marks aren't great, and really, you have the social skills of... Well, never mind that--just hear me out.

First of all, you're not going to need eight or more years of school for this. You just need to get to know the guy who owns the business. Chances are, he drinks a fair bit, probably by himself or a few of his employees. Find out where, and get to know him--buy him a drink and explain how you think pest control is so important and fascinating. Then ask how to get into the business--chances are he's looking to replace one of the many itinerant losers that are working for him, and your brown-nosing makes you an instant candidate.

You'll job shadow for a few weeks, and learn the basics: How to tent a house, drill down the termite poison, and lie to the neighbors when they see you carrying your equipment from the unmarked van. Tell them it's something routine like a septic problem--never admit you're there because your client is a filthy swine whose disgusting personal habits have made his home an ideal residence for all manner of plagues and pestilence.

Fact is, the world is going down the tubes, and people aren't going to be building a lot of new houses--they'll have to live in what they can afford in a crappy economy. That means old wood, old foundations and plenty of termites, ants and rats. You'll be good at it before long--you'll know how long you can expose yourself to the various toxins you work with before your lose your lunch, and you'll make sure to check the kitchen for anything good you can grab before filling the tent with the gas--after all, they'd just have to chuck it anyway.

You'll make a decent living--after a decade of loneliness--face it, your job won't bring in the babes--you'll send away for one of those mail-order brides. Take my advice--experience has taught me not to trust the pictures in those catalogues--it ain't cheap, but get a flight to Manila and check out the merchandise first hand--seriously. But, I digress.

A decent gas mask, the occasional tetanus shot, and a general disregard for social standing will make this a very successful career for you. You'll thank me one day, I guarantee it.


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