Here's the plan. I will give an opening line, then ask anyone who chooses to begin a script (use the comment option if you dare) along the lines of a particular genre. Some genres I would suggest are: romantic comedy, gothic thriller, absurdist/existential commentary, political satire, children's fantasy, drawing-room comedy, Elizabethan tragedy, feminist agitprop, experimental arthouse play, educational "message" play...
The opening:
NED: What was that sound?
JULIA: I'm not sure...
There-that's your start. There are quite a few people now dropping in on this blog--the counter ranges from a dozen to more than fifty hits on a typical day--so don't be scared. Nothing is too awful, and it needn't be long. Here--I'll start it off.
Genre: Ribald Farce
NED: What was that sound?
JULIA: I'm not sure...
NED: I think it came from your knickers.
JULIA: Oh Neddy, you are awful...
NED: You haven't called me Neddy since the divorce. Would you care for a sherry?
JULIA: You aren't trying to get me tipsy, are you Neddy?
(Enter THE MAJOR, Julia's much older third husband)
THE MAJOR: What did I just hear?
JULIA: Tipsy, darling--honestly, you're such a prig sometimes.
THE MAJOR: Don't think I don't know what's going on here. (uncomfortable pause)
NED: Er, I'm not sure...
JULIA: I, uhm...
THE MAJOR: See, your faces give you away. You're both as guilty as sin. How could you think I didn't know you were planning a surprise birthday party for me?
NED: (relieved) Ah, yes--well, we certainly can't put anything past you, can we. (quickly picks JULIA'S bra off of sofa and stuffs it into his jacket pocket)
And so on...
j.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
Brave New World
So there's this Bernard guy who lives in this like, engineered society and they're all "my mother was a test tube" and they make people for the jobs so the smart people like being smart and the rest all want to work in the restroom at mcdonalds and Bernard wants to hook up with this Lenina chick who's hot and they all just hook up whenever with whoever and go to movies and get wasted on soma, which is kinda like ecstasy. There's this guy John who's some kind of a savage on account of he likes Shakespeare, beating himself and thinks sex is nasty. His mother is all fat and they all think she's gross and John becomes kind of a Tarzan "look at the savage" guy but he can't talk to animals. The thing is, Aldous Huxley wrote this book in the 1930s and it's all party, sleep around, watch videos and do drugs. It's kinda like he saw the future and it was like Paris Hilton's bedroom or a rave or something. Eerie. (the scary kind, not the lake kind)
So there's this Bernard guy who lives in this like, engineered society and they're all "my mother was a test tube" and they make people for the jobs so the smart people like being smart and the rest all want to work in the restroom at mcdonalds and Bernard wants to hook up with this Lenina chick who's hot and they all just hook up whenever with whoever and go to movies and get wasted on soma, which is kinda like ecstasy. There's this guy John who's some kind of a savage on account of he likes Shakespeare, beating himself and thinks sex is nasty. His mother is all fat and they all think she's gross and John becomes kind of a Tarzan "look at the savage" guy but he can't talk to animals. The thing is, Aldous Huxley wrote this book in the 1930s and it's all party, sleep around, watch videos and do drugs. It's kinda like he saw the future and it was like Paris Hilton's bedroom or a rave or something. Eerie. (the scary kind, not the lake kind)
Sunday, September 26, 2004
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
Animal Farm
(uh, before we start, you should know I took some heavy duty, uh, cold medication tonight.)
So, there's this guy George Orwell--only his real name's Eric--and he's all "I'm a socialist and I'm going to fight in the Spanish Civil War" but his side, like, sucked cause the other side had all the weapons and shit and then he got all pissed at Stalin cause on account of Orwell liked Trotsky and thought that Stalin had betrayed Lenin's vision after he married Yoko Ono so he wrote Animal Farm, and in case that was too subtle he threw in 1984 as well. (see previous entry) In Animal Farm, the humans are like, the bourgeoise and the animals are getting beat down and there's this pig Old Major who's all "the workers should control the means of production" and then Snowball and Napoleon take over but then Napoleon gets all Al Capone and Snowball's toast but Boxer this big stupid horse is all "Napoleon is my friend" and "I like rabbits, George". Then Napoleon gets them all to say "4 legs good but 2 legs are damn hot sometimes" and then he and the other pigs get like humans and wear clothes and soon it's all the same as before except nobody's eatin' bacon for breakfast.
(uh, before we start, you should know I took some heavy duty, uh, cold medication tonight.)
So, there's this guy George Orwell--only his real name's Eric--and he's all "I'm a socialist and I'm going to fight in the Spanish Civil War" but his side, like, sucked cause the other side had all the weapons and shit and then he got all pissed at Stalin cause on account of Orwell liked Trotsky and thought that Stalin had betrayed Lenin's vision after he married Yoko Ono so he wrote Animal Farm, and in case that was too subtle he threw in 1984 as well. (see previous entry) In Animal Farm, the humans are like, the bourgeoise and the animals are getting beat down and there's this pig Old Major who's all "the workers should control the means of production" and then Snowball and Napoleon take over but then Napoleon gets all Al Capone and Snowball's toast but Boxer this big stupid horse is all "Napoleon is my friend" and "I like rabbits, George". Then Napoleon gets them all to say "4 legs good but 2 legs are damn hot sometimes" and then he and the other pigs get like humans and wear clothes and soon it's all the same as before except nobody's eatin' bacon for breakfast.
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The Hobbit
So there's this wizard guy named Gandalf who's kinda like Merlin and he gets this Bilbo guy to take a job from these 12 dwarves--Oin, Bloin, Groin, Marvin, Garvin, Happy, Sneezy, Doc, and I forget the rest--and he's like a burglar but then he meets up with this Gollum guy who's all "I live in a cave and tell me some riddles" with a speech impediment and then he gets this ring to get all invisible and he goes to some stinky dragon cave to get riches and the dragon's all pissed but then this talking donkey comes and the dragon's all "How YOU doin'" and then Shrek marries the princess and she's really an ogre and the dwarves get their riches and Bilbo goes home until his nephew Frodo shows up and makes Shrek II.
So there's this wizard guy named Gandalf who's kinda like Merlin and he gets this Bilbo guy to take a job from these 12 dwarves--Oin, Bloin, Groin, Marvin, Garvin, Happy, Sneezy, Doc, and I forget the rest--and he's like a burglar but then he meets up with this Gollum guy who's all "I live in a cave and tell me some riddles" with a speech impediment and then he gets this ring to get all invisible and he goes to some stinky dragon cave to get riches and the dragon's all pissed but then this talking donkey comes and the dragon's all "How YOU doin'" and then Shrek marries the princess and she's really an ogre and the dwarves get their riches and Bilbo goes home until his nephew Frodo shows up and makes Shrek II.
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The Canadian Parliamentary System
A bunch of people get together at a party, and build a big platform, and choose Canadadates. These Canadadates try to get people to cast their ballads for them, so they can go the House of Commotions, in Ottawa. There, the speaker has a can of Mace that he uses to control them, with the help of the party whip. They take votes and pay many bills and make laws and spend lots of money--well not all of them, only as many as can fit inside a cabinet. Oh, yeah, and some of them speak French, and sometimes the Governor General is a chick.
(Editor's note--The Kid Who Sits Behind You thanks all of those who read his contributions, but, in answer to several angry emails, he is not responsible for the marks that uninformed teachers might give you when you rely on his tutorials. If you wish to request he address a specific topic, please do so in the comment area of his tutorials blog entries. He specializes in high school literature, but is willing to make available his wisdom on a wide range of topics. If he doesn't get to your request, feel free to post a reminder, as over the years, his short and long term memory have suffered from his, er, recreational activies.)
A bunch of people get together at a party, and build a big platform, and choose Canadadates. These Canadadates try to get people to cast their ballads for them, so they can go the House of Commotions, in Ottawa. There, the speaker has a can of Mace that he uses to control them, with the help of the party whip. They take votes and pay many bills and make laws and spend lots of money--well not all of them, only as many as can fit inside a cabinet. Oh, yeah, and some of them speak French, and sometimes the Governor General is a chick.
(Editor's note--The Kid Who Sits Behind You thanks all of those who read his contributions, but, in answer to several angry emails, he is not responsible for the marks that uninformed teachers might give you when you rely on his tutorials. If you wish to request he address a specific topic, please do so in the comment area of his tutorials blog entries. He specializes in high school literature, but is willing to make available his wisdom on a wide range of topics. If he doesn't get to your request, feel free to post a reminder, as over the years, his short and long term memory have suffered from his, er, recreational activies.)
Saturday, September 25, 2004
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
Wuthering Heights
So there's this old guy named Earnshaw who goes to Liverpool and brings home this gypsy kid named Heathcliff so he wouldn't just grow up to be another soccer hooligan and Earnshaw's own son pummels him and Heathcliff hates him and plays with the daughter and the old guy croaks and life sucks for Heathcliff but then he goes away and comes back and owns Wuthering Heights and too bad cause Catherine's married but then everyone marries everyone else who they're sort of related to and it's hella confusing cause everybody's named either Linton, Earnshaw or Heathcliff and there's two Catherine's and at the end Heathcliff digs up the old Catherine's dead body cause he's like all necro and then he croaks and the younger Catherine marries her cousin so there's a real bright future for these two incestuous abuse victims to turn their lives around and be great parents some day. Yah right.
So there's this old guy named Earnshaw who goes to Liverpool and brings home this gypsy kid named Heathcliff so he wouldn't just grow up to be another soccer hooligan and Earnshaw's own son pummels him and Heathcliff hates him and plays with the daughter and the old guy croaks and life sucks for Heathcliff but then he goes away and comes back and owns Wuthering Heights and too bad cause Catherine's married but then everyone marries everyone else who they're sort of related to and it's hella confusing cause everybody's named either Linton, Earnshaw or Heathcliff and there's two Catherine's and at the end Heathcliff digs up the old Catherine's dead body cause he's like all necro and then he croaks and the younger Catherine marries her cousin so there's a real bright future for these two incestuous abuse victims to turn their lives around and be great parents some day. Yah right.
It's Saturday Morning and the Lawnmowers are Deafening
Things you'd rather not hear:
You got the prettiest face of any guy in this prison.
Now that my wife's left me, all I have to think about is your audit.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought the woman you were here with last night was your wife.
Just before you go under, are your next of kin likely to be home this afternoon?
Who told you it was a costume party?
j.
You got the prettiest face of any guy in this prison.
Now that my wife's left me, all I have to think about is your audit.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought the woman you were here with last night was your wife.
Just before you go under, are your next of kin likely to be home this afternoon?
Who told you it was a costume party?
j.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
Macbeth
So there's this guy Macbeth whose slicin' and dicin' on the battlefield and then he meets these three real ugly chicks and they're all "You're gonna be king" and he's all "no way, there's a king already" and then he writes Lady Macbeth and she's all "off the king" but she may be a guy cause she keeps saying "unsex me" and stuff and then Macbeth offs the king and a bunch of other people but he and Lady Mac can't have kids (duh--see cross dresser comments above) so he's all pissed off and then the forest starts running around (like in Lord of the Flies) and then Macduff is born by a Julius Caesar and he chops off Macbeth's head and everybody's happy except Lady Mac cause she offed herself first. Then Simba got to be king and everybody was happy.
So there's this guy Macbeth whose slicin' and dicin' on the battlefield and then he meets these three real ugly chicks and they're all "You're gonna be king" and he's all "no way, there's a king already" and then he writes Lady Macbeth and she's all "off the king" but she may be a guy cause she keeps saying "unsex me" and stuff and then Macbeth offs the king and a bunch of other people but he and Lady Mac can't have kids (duh--see cross dresser comments above) so he's all pissed off and then the forest starts running around (like in Lord of the Flies) and then Macduff is born by a Julius Caesar and he chops off Macbeth's head and everybody's happy except Lady Mac cause she offed herself first. Then Simba got to be king and everybody was happy.
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The Chrysalids
There are these Amish-type people all living strict-like and these kids who get all mutated but then their dad puts up a "Beware of the Mutants" sign so nobody will bother them, but he should've just started a freak show and then this Rosalind chick gets these weird messages from New Zealand and there's this kid with six fingers who killed Inego Montoya's father but as she prepares to die these goodyear blimps come and shoot spiderwebs on everyone and kill all the non-mutants so the last laugh goes to the freaks.
There are these Amish-type people all living strict-like and these kids who get all mutated but then their dad puts up a "Beware of the Mutants" sign so nobody will bother them, but he should've just started a freak show and then this Rosalind chick gets these weird messages from New Zealand and there's this kid with six fingers who killed Inego Montoya's father but as she prepares to die these goodyear blimps come and shoot spiderwebs on everyone and kill all the non-mutants so the last laugh goes to the freaks.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
1984
There's this Winston Smith guy whose clock is broken cause it struck 13 and he works as a minister telling people about the truth until he meets this Julia chick who's all "sex is bad" but then they hook up and she's all "just kidding" and he shouldn't be messing around with her because he's a truth minister and all and then this helicopter flies into their bedroom and Winston is all "damn" and "don't put the rats on me" and then this guy from the Big Brothers comes and Winston loves him on account of I guess he didn't have a dad of his own which is why you should give money to Big Brothers (or you can donate clothes, I think).
There's this Winston Smith guy whose clock is broken cause it struck 13 and he works as a minister telling people about the truth until he meets this Julia chick who's all "sex is bad" but then they hook up and she's all "just kidding" and he shouldn't be messing around with her because he's a truth minister and all and then this helicopter flies into their bedroom and Winston is all "damn" and "don't put the rats on me" and then this guy from the Big Brothers comes and Winston loves him on account of I guess he didn't have a dad of his own which is why you should give money to Big Brothers (or you can donate clothes, I think).
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The Lord of the Flies
This is the story of an island. And Ralph. And Jack. And Piggy. They are all flies--giant talking flies. (Kind of like that Animal Farm story that I'll tell you about another time, but without pigs.) These flies get trapped on an island--or maybe in a big jar--and they have to survive so they need to build homes and hunt for other bugs to eat. Then they discover this dead pilot with smaller flies all over it and he tells them to go to Middle Earth where they find Simon, a gollum, with a conch shell he calls "My Precious". Then Jack and a bunch of hunters fight with Boromir and Piggy starts a fire with his glasses and Ralph is elected king and he gets to marry Arwen and they are rescued by a big ship and they all live happily except Piggy who is squished like a bug. (cause he is a bug).
This is the story of an island. And Ralph. And Jack. And Piggy. They are all flies--giant talking flies. (Kind of like that Animal Farm story that I'll tell you about another time, but without pigs.) These flies get trapped on an island--or maybe in a big jar--and they have to survive so they need to build homes and hunt for other bugs to eat. Then they discover this dead pilot with smaller flies all over it and he tells them to go to Middle Earth where they find Simon, a gollum, with a conch shell he calls "My Precious". Then Jack and a bunch of hunters fight with Boromir and Piggy starts a fire with his glasses and Ralph is elected king and he gets to marry Arwen and they are rescued by a big ship and they all live happily except Piggy who is squished like a bug. (cause he is a bug).
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The Catcher in the Rye
There's this kid named Holden Caufield and he's all upset on account of he's got two last names and no first names and he goes into the city and stays in a skanky hotel and gets drunk on rye whisky with the catcher from the New York Yankees and he messes around with this hooker chick but nothing really happens on account of he's probably gay and then he wants to hide in this big field of rye and grab little kids--which is kinda creepy if you ask me.
There's this kid named Holden Caufield and he's all upset on account of he's got two last names and no first names and he goes into the city and stays in a skanky hotel and gets drunk on rye whisky with the catcher from the New York Yankees and he messes around with this hooker chick but nothing really happens on account of he's probably gay and then he wants to hide in this big field of rye and grab little kids--which is kinda creepy if you ask me.
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The Outsiders
So like there's this kid who's like half boy-half-pony--I think that's a Cenetaur--and he wanted to be in a gang like his brother who was a tough guy in the T-Birds and they used to drag race down the aquaduct but then there was this big gang fight and his brother got killed and this chick named Maria was all crying about it and then Ponyboy went into the Olympics on account of he was like half-horse so he could run fast and all the rest of the T-Birds watched him and cheered "Go for gold, Ponyboy! Go for gold!"
So like there's this kid who's like half boy-half-pony--I think that's a Cenetaur--and he wanted to be in a gang like his brother who was a tough guy in the T-Birds and they used to drag race down the aquaduct but then there was this big gang fight and his brother got killed and this chick named Maria was all crying about it and then Ponyboy went into the Olympics on account of he was like half-horse so he could run fast and all the rest of the T-Birds watched him and cheered "Go for gold, Ponyboy! Go for gold!"
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains...
To Kill a Mockingbird
Basically this mockingbird who lives with this kid named Scout--who may be a girl who thinks she's a boy or vice versa--is a real badass and keeps attacking people. He kills this other kind of bird called a finch who was named Atticus. (I think it lived in an attic). So the people have to figure out how to kill this bird and some ghost named Boo Ratley gives them the answer and they "lynch" it, which I think means they cooked it up southern style.
Basically this mockingbird who lives with this kid named Scout--who may be a girl who thinks she's a boy or vice versa--is a real badass and keeps attacking people. He kills this other kind of bird called a finch who was named Atticus. (I think it lived in an attic). So the people have to figure out how to kill this bird and some ghost named Boo Ratley gives them the answer and they "lynch" it, which I think means they cooked it up southern style.
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